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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you bore him for a lifetime.
What's the difference between a unicyclist and a pancake?Nothing, if your driving a steamroller.
A guy at a party was telling me that pennies weren't being made anymore because it actually costs more than once cent to make each penny. I said, "Wow, that's really boring. I wish I was talking to a girl."
Nightclub Philosophy"Listen to a sh*tty '80s band? Well, When in Rome!"
If you wear a Tool shirt to a party you're saying more about your personality than your music preferences.
I took my last midterm on acid. I passed with flying colors.
Whoever wrote the words to "Row Row Row Your Boat" took a break halfway through and wrote the rest extremely high.
My mother loves being a baker because she can eat her mistakes. Coincidentally my father loves being an executioner for that same reason.
Molotov CocktailThe worst kind of cocktail to get on the house.
Michael Vick joined the Eagles last week. I can't believe he gets to sing with Don Henley!