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Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you bore him for a lifetime.
-Boz Worthy
What's the difference between a unicyclist and a pancake?
Nothing, if your driving a steamroller.
-The NTC
A guy at a party was telling me that pennies weren't being made anymore because it actually costs more than once cent to make each penny. I said, "Wow, that's really boring. I wish I was talking to a girl."
-Adam Newman
Nightclub Philosophy
"Listen to a sh*tty '80s band? Well, When in Rome!"
-Patrick Cassels
If you wear a Tool shirt to a party you're saying more about your personality than your music preferences.
-Joe Bella
I took my last midterm on acid. I passed with flying colors.
-Kevin Scanlon
Whoever wrote the words to "Row Row Row Your Boat" took a break halfway through and wrote the rest extremely high.
-Mike Cence
My mother loves being a baker because she can eat her mistakes. Coincidentally my father loves being an executioner for that same reason.
-Raleigh Hicks
Molotov Cocktail
The worst kind of cocktail to get on the house.
-Ben Roazen
Michael Vick joined the Eagles last week. I can't believe he gets to sing with Don Henley!
-Ryan Manning
How To Lower Gas Prices
Cancel NASCAR.
-Zach Henderson