Well well well…It's come to my attention that despite my previous and painfully clear instructions, some of you are still failing to nail any chick you want. Weird, I know. But because my drop-dread good looks and winning personality are matched only by my boundless compassion, I've decided to give you helpless few some more inside advice to aid you in your carnal pursuits. So if babies, sandwiches, and periodic clubbings didn't do it for you, here are some more tips for getting the lady of your dreams this semester…



1. Find Her Best Friend and Hit on Her

The modern woman isn't afraid of a challenge and nothing sparks that competitive flame within us all like pitting two friends against each other. Here's the thing fellas, behind every obnoxious BFF LYLAS 4 EVA friendship is the insatiable desire to claw each others' eyes out. Why else would chicks dig pillow fights and mud wrestling so much? Start talking up the object of your desire (henceforth known as "Prey") and then flip the switch and go for her friend. I know what you're thinking, "Won't they both see through my thinly veiled attempt to double my odds?" The answer, of course, is no. We're not that smart.


2. Be Yourself

Now that you've got the attention of her and her friend, feel free to just let your guard down and be… hahaha just kidding.



3. Lie


Not about the big things like what that rash really is, but about the little things… like your future intentions or financial background. Will she eventually want to see the rare Arabian pony farm you keep talking about? Yes. But that's when you call her superficial and wearily sigh that you just once would like to find a girl who likes you for you and not your family's obscene wealth. See how we turned that situation around? Now you're sensitive AND she feels guilty. And do you know what guilt does? It unhooks bras.


4. Show Her Your Guns 

This of course refers to your savagely attractive arms and not your extensive collection of Sci-Fi battle weapons. The easiest way to show off your guns is avoiding shirts that have sleeves. Sleeves on guys is the equivilent to girls in khaki pants anyway: they're wildly unflattering, totally awkward, and oddly pretentious. Find yourself a good pair of Fiskers (the good kind, none of that rounded edge bullshit) and de-sleeve any piece of clothing that had the audacity to have sleeves in the first place.  True your biceps may be rippling for all the wrong reasons since you took up binge drinking as a varsity sport, but that doesn't mean you should keep your lucious limbs locked away. Don't be afraid to let those bad boys breathe.


5. Borrow Something

I've always found that people tend to want to keep the things they technically own. That makes borrowing something from a girl a really good way to insure that keeping in touch with you remains a priority. You can start small with simple things like class notes or her limited edition copy of the Notebook. If that goes well, why not try bolder? Order her a drink, then ask if you can borrow $20 to pay for it. Still not bold enough? Try "borrowing" locks of her hair or the keys to her dorm room. Now that's definitely the kind of thing we girls stay up late talking about. She won't be able to get you off her mind! Neither will the campus police, but that's besides the point. What made-for-the-ages modern relationship doesn't start with a restraining order or two anyway?