Like most Americans, I enjoy bacon. According to the Bureau of Salted and Cured Meats, bacon futures have risen 3800% over the past decade. Bacon is inserted into all manner of foodstuffs. Why, just last week, I bit into an apple only to find three strips of peppered applewood smoked bacon lodged inside. Now I know why it's called "applewood." Yum-O. So it was, then, that for lunch today, I decided to drive down the street and try Taco Bell's new bacon cheddar gordita crunch.

This was a mistake. First off, I brazenly decided against the combo, which included one of the aforementioned bacon cheddar gorditas crunch, one taco, and a large drink. This seemed like a suspiciously small combo. Two food items? What am I, HIV positive? So I made my own combo and got two bacon cheddar gorditas crunch and a small drink (liquids are overrated). Taco Bell was wildly successful in their last temporary food item gimmick, the volcano taco. This ruby red beauty was infinitely superior to their classic, non-red taco in that it contained a Space Age polymer known as test sample XE-1144, or "Lava Sauce." As such, I was prepared for great things from this new item.

Immediately after finishing bacon cheddar gordita crunch number one, I felt the thing settle amongst my digestive parts with a loud thud. It became clear why Taco Bell included only one bacon cheddar gordita crunch in their combo, and I regretted ordering a second. But Taco Bell already had my money, and not finishing would be a waste, so of course I ate the other one.

Now don't worry about me, I'll be fine. It is clear to me, however, that there is a finite number of bacon cheddar gorditas crunch a person can consume in one lifetime before organs start to fail. Based on my experience, I estimate that number to be six. This is unforunate as the bacon cheddar gordita crunch tasted good – as one would expect from a gordita covered in melted cheese and dipped in a vat of Bacos. But there are limits. One foodstuff I've made it a point of staying away from like the Plague is Wendy's Baconator.

Even I'm smart enough to know that this is a stroke waiting to happen. Why don't I just suck Wendy's deep fryers dry while I'm at it? Six strips of bacon on that burger means a tiny, tiny black hole resides at the center of each Baconator. One place I definitely DO want the laws of time and space to apply is inside of me. Wendy can keep her Death Burger.

My advice for anyone wanting to try the bacon cheddar gordita crunch is to go on a fast for several days beforehand. Maybe even a Jesus-style 40 day trek through the desert would be in order. And if you happen to be with someone you care about at Taco Bell, and that person orders two or more bacon cheddar gorditas crunch, remember: friends don't let friends order two bacon cheddar gorditas crunch.