Fantasy football season is upon us, and before you go listening to the so-called "experts" who get so-called "paid to do what they do", make sure you read these five helpful tips for a great fantasy season.
1. Draft people who are currently playing in the NFL.
True story: Last year I had a 12-1 record and a first round bye heading into the playoffs. So you can imagine my dismay when in Week 15 I decided to bench a struggling Greg Jennings and my only replacement options were former New York Giant great Frank Gifford and my 4th grade Science teacher.
2. If you're going to draft a player from another sport, make sure the player you're drafting isn't a fictional movie character.
It's entirely possible that drafting Usain Bolt in the later rounds could pay huge dividends, especially in Keeper Leagues. However this theory doesn't ring true with, say, Cubs pitcher Henry Rowengartner, my 2nd round pick in 2007. Funky butt lovin' indeed.
3. Don't make trade offers after a night of drinking.
A trade offer of Dwayne Bowe and Pierre Thomas in exchange for your girlfriend to stop being such a slut just doesn't work, mainly because you'd be sacrificing depth in exchange for something everyone knows is never going to happen.
4. Disregard The 3 Straight RBs Philosophy
The idea that you should draft a running back with your first 3 picks is anarchaic and ultimately fruitless drafting technique. Instead, adhere to the 6 Straight RB Philosophy. Your league-mates might scoff at the notion of you using your first 6 picks on Running Backs, but come week 14 when they're still in the playoffs and you can get your homework done without the constant distraction of Fantasy updates, you'll thank me. And if you take this advice and later get pissed at me because you wasted 50 bucks on a fantasy season, well who the f*ck drafts 6 consecutive Running Backs? Dumbass.
5. Don't do copious amounts of PCP while on a boat in the middle of the ocean.
Actually, this isn't as much a fantasy football tip as it's just a good general life rule.
Conor McKeon longs for simpler days when all you needed to be a successful athlete was a pocketful determination and 2 pocketsful of pure, uncut Colombian coke.
He currently runs Rick PitinO-Face, a sports-comedy blog.