It's that time of the year again folks: No more Star Trek, no more Harry Potter, no more Apatow or Tarantino or the guy who wasn't Peter Jackson that made District 9. It's the fall movie season, when all the studios bestow our theatres with whatever wasn't good enough for the summer and/or hopes to get nominated for those worthless Academy Awards. And although the blockbuster season may be over, don't turn your back to the local cinema just yet. There's a bunch of fine and not-so-fine features hastily awaiting your viewing pleasure… and your money.
Jennifer's Body
Release Date: 9-18-09
What is it?: Megan Fox is a vampire/werewolf demon-thing who goes around seducing men to fulfill her lust for coc… err, blood.
Target Audience: Ever gotten a boner before? Probably you.
Pros: Strong female characters, likely to start a bunch of WYR's that end with "or have Megan Fox rape and kill you?"
Cons: Myapologies to any guy who wears sweatpants or basketball shorts duringthis. Make sure to do the patented waistband tuck… or if you're witha date, get popcorn.
9
Release Date: 9-9-09 (Lolz)
What is it?: A group of sackboys try to survive a post-apocalyptic world where machines have wiped out humanity and taken over. If you're thinking "Little Big Planet meets The Matrix", you're probably pretty damn close.
Target Audience: Teenagers, action-junkies, emo kids who've grown out of their Nightmare Before Christmas schwag.
Pros: Promising action sequences and breathtaking animation, as well as the always sexy Jennifer Connely.
Cons: "Machines taking over" isn't exactly the most novel idea given a new Terminator came out this year. And Jennifer Connely only provides her voice, not boobs.
Zombieland
Release Date: 10-2-09
What is it?: Zombies have taken over the world and it's up to Woody Harrelson and the kid from Adventureland to save the day. It's also the newest zom-com since Shaun of the Dead. Apparently Hollywood's head has found a way out of its ass.
Target Audience: Teens, college students, people who for some reason find the girl from Little Miss Sunshine funny.
Pros: A stylish zombie kill is always a good kill.
Cons: The Planet Earth-style approach from the trailer tapdanced on the border between funny and painfully stupid. Although being retarded didn't stop Transformers 2 from making a shitload of money.
The Road
Release Date: 10-16-09
What is it?: The same dude who wrote No Country For Old Men penned the original novel about a dad guiding his son through a post-apocalyptic world (seems to be a trend here). Guess which one dies first?
Target Audience: Serious folks, anyone who likes to pretend they made sense of No Country For Old Men's ending.
Pros: Aragon – I mean, Viggo Mortensen's in it along with the very, very fine Charlize Theron .
Cons: You can now find the original novel with a fat "Oprah's Book Club" sticker on it, thus stripping it of any achieved coolness. Then again, she did endorse Obama too.
Where The Wild Things Are
Release Date: 10-16-09
What is it?: Basically this year's The Dark Knight, it's the film adaptation of our generation's most cherished children's book. It's headed by Spike Jonze who not only directed the excellent Adaptation and co-created the Jackass series, but will likely reveal himself to be our Lord and Savior in the near future.
Target Audience: Unless you somehow die between now and October, chances are you're seeing it.
Pros: <— This movie
Cons: WARNING ALL GUYS: This film is a testosterone-killer. Prepare to weep at its beauty. Bring lady friends sparingly.
New Moon
Release Date: 11-13-09
What is it?: The second film in the Twilight saga where some ridiculously horny girl tries to hump a bunch of douchy looking vampires. That's pretty close, right?
Target Audience: Pre-pubescent girls, idiots.
Pros: Kristen Stewart.
Cons: Everything not Kristen Stewart.
