Keystone Light: Are you a frat boy? Are you in desperate need of gasoline to fire this party up? Do you want something that actually tastes like gasoline? Well Keystone Light is exactly the choice for you. Freshly brewed from a camel's nutsack, low calories which doesn't mean shit if you have about thirty of them because that's what it takes to get drunk off our crap. Start your party up with Keystone Light: It's about as tasty as the vomit you will spew up at the end of your night.
Dos Equis: Do you need to impress any Mexican chicks for your party with ostensibly German beer with an ethnic name? Are you ready to pucker up from a drink that is about as smooth as the hairy-chested chicks that will rhino their way through your shitty frat party? Do you wish our title was Tres Equis? (well too fucking bad) Dos Equis is the beer for you. With every bit of the refreshing flavor of radiator fluid mixed with used lube Dos Equis will turn your wild night into a night to remember because this shit will not get you drunk. Dos Equis: Mexicans are always fucking shit up
Budweiser: Did Keystone not make you vomit enough? Do you have zero self-respect, zero cash, and absolutely zero taste? Do you actually think our amazing marketing campaign reflects any kind of commensurate quality in our beer? Well Budweiser is your drink. With our rich history of brewing since before Prohibition, your taste buds will waste away on beer that is probably as old and flat as the last beer brewed before 1920. Budweiser will take your palate on a journey through the sea of feces to the magical forests of diarrhea. That's right folks. Budweiser is the best. Shoot, our name says it all: You'd be wiser to smoke bud.