Welcome to class, bitches. I'm your teacher, Zak.  That's Zak with a 'K', not a 'C'. If I even hear you say it the wrong way then I'll break your freakin' arm, got it?

Now, you all know why you're here.  You wanna learn how to become douchebags.  Why?  Because you go out to the clubs, or you go to the gym, and you see all the hot ass chicks flocking to the douchebags, right?

You know why?  Because hot chicks love douche bags, stupid. Look at me, I'm the ultimate douchebag, and you know how many babes I've had?  More than me or my lifting partner Zac with a 'C' can count.  See these hands?  I've grabbed enough fake boobs with these hands to fill my '81 Mustang. I sleep with so many models that I need a shovel to scoop their crusty old make-up out of the sheets.  I find so many hair extensions left in my apartment that I donate them to Locks of Love. 

Since now you know how big of a douche bag I am, I'm going to take a look at all you losers and see how we can turn you into douchebags.

Okay, let's see …. You there, "muscles."


Shyeah.  See I called you muscles because you don't have any, it's called being scarcastic, dumbass.  So how many hours you put in at the gym each day?

I guess I go a couple times a we—

I don't care, it's not enough.  You should spend at least 3 hours a day blasting your guns.  And don't forget your lats.  See mine?  They come up so high off my shoulders that they cover my ears. I can't even hear you. What? What'd you say?  Exactly,bitch!

Now let's talk fashion. You… yeah you with the shirt.  No not you with the shirt… YOU with the shirt, how much you pay for that shirt?


Wrong!  You see this tee shirt? It's Ed Hardy,motherfucker!  I paid two hundreddollars for it.  That's how big of a douchebag I am.  See these sleeves?  These sleeves are so tight that I can literally not feel my hands.  That's just one of the sacrifices you'll have to make if you truly want to be a douchebag.

Now let's talk accessories, why aren't any of you fart-knockers wearing your sunglasses? 

This is an evening class, its 8:30 at night.

You think that matters? See my sunglasses?  They're Juicy Couture and I had to spend last month's rent money to buy them.  They nevercome off my face, understand?  Never.  It's a good thing I'm wearing my shades because you all are fucking pale!  Haven't you ever heard of spray-tan?  If you're going to be a douchebag, I recommend you buy sessions in bundles of 100.  That way you'll always be prepared if you have to go out to the club at the last minute.

How you style your hair is also an important part of being a douchebag.  You should always have a good supply of Dep hair gel.  I suggest going to Costco, they sell it in 5 gallon vats. When styling your hair, just remember this one rule: reach for the stars.

That's all for tonight.  Your homework is to listen to every one of Nickelback's albums.  Class dismissed fags,and remember, tomorrow is our field trip to the tattoo parlor where you'll all be getting tribal armbands.