College one-liners (with maybe an extra line or two)
The janitor for my dorm once asked me what I was majoring in and I told her philosophy. She laughed and told me "So I guess we might me working together one day."
When I moved into my room I found a note under my bed frame from the previous owner. It said "If you haven't already seen some of the girls here on campus I suggest you go looking. After you see how unattractive they are you'll realize why you only need a twin-size mattress for this bed frame."
College was a real shock for me athletically. In high school I was the star athlete but that was mainly because I was homeschooled.
I had a religion class during my freshman year. The professor said it would be incredibly hard so I asked her if it could be any easier if I prayed.
I wish they had told me what a dry county meant when I applied to college because I ended up going there because I hate rain.
My school provides free condoms as a service to the students. Now the only thing I'm missing to make use of these is a box of roofies.
It's too bad I couldn't rush a sorority because I really would have enjoyed the hazing initiation.
It's hard to start a garage band in college seeing that our dorm only has a driveway.
Once when I was touring a college I asked a student there if they had any counselors and he said "No but we have a lot of beer."
For my final project in art class the teacher told me to completely recreate a peach on a canvas so I took a picture of it and pasted it on there.
When I went back home after my first semester of college my mother told me to watch out for the girls and I told her "Yeah why do you think I got such bad grades?"
The best part about college is that no matter what bad things happen during your four years, chances are you won't remember much of it.
The best part about being a philosophy major is that for your final project you can just say you created a new philosophy of hedonism and write a bunch of drunken sex stories at the frat parties.
During my first year I was really confused as to what I wanted to major in so I went to Career Services and took a personality test. They ended up giving me a reference to the campus psychiatrist.
I thought about applying to Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Clown College but I changed my mind when I realized I could go to any college if I wanted to be around a bunch of clowns, juggle a lot of shit, and dress up and dance around in front of a lot of people.
I once rushed a fraternity and they ended up telling me to slow down.