If you have ever had a facebook account you can relate to why I beleive this decoder must exist. Lets set the situation: Its that time of the day, you have just finished chugging your morning coffee in the ol' cubicle because your cubicle neighbor Charles bet you that you couldn't do it, and of course, you can, but not without facing the consequences. Yes, the consequences, so you are now on your way to make possibly the largest bowel movement of your life and decide "This might take a while, time to bring along some reading material"

So you grab your iPhone and log onto facebook to browse your buddies status reports. [why not right?]

As you browse your friends status reports you start noticing a trend. A trend of rediculous status reports stating things as simple as "Why me?" and "Everything happens for a reason…" And a few things come into your mind

1. That is not a status. You can not be currently "why me'ing" therefore you fail.

which leads directly into 
2. Your parents should have taken the '300' route when raising you and thrown you straight into a pit of doom with the other imperfect babies. 

3. Why me.  that is a rhetorical question…. dare I answer?
4. clearly this shows signs of depression, yet no specifics. why post this on facebook for the rest of the world/ your friends/people you may have met 1 time, to see and wonder what your problem is. 

So you can clearly see why this decoder is needed, for the few people that actually care about what is happening past the simple minded status reports.
So i have generalized a few of the most common status reports and revealed the secret behind them.

So finish wiping that beautiful bottom of yours and fear no longer, no more brain farts trying to concoct millions of scenarios possibly relating to the status reports. 
because here it is