Sitcoms have been around since the dawn of television to put unsuspecting oddballs into hilarious situations that help them learn valuable life lessons. In real life, if you forgot your wife's birthday, the only thing you'd learn at the end of the day is that filling a plastic bag full of jelly and fucking it is sort of like sex. But not at all. Even grape jelly.
You see, sitcoms tackle tough situations that all people fear at one point in their lives, where someone screws up so bad that there seems to be no rectifiable situation. We all have seen these situations played out a billion times before, but that was before technology came along and rewrote everything. Here are some of the tried (and tired) situations sitcom characters have run into that just wouldn't happen in today's times.
Taping Over the Wedding Video
This has happened so many times: a husband tapes over his precious wedding video with a football game, or a Real World audition or an interracial midget gangbang. I think that last one happened on King of Queens. Ayway, the wife inevitably gets upset and so the husband has to scramble to rectify the situation, usually with hilarious* consequences.
Notable offenders: Everybody Loves Raymond
The solution today: DVD and Tivo. Sure, you could be a clever son of a bitch and try and rewrite it so it's like "You broke the DVD of our wedding?!?!" But honestly, with the advent of the DVD, the most popular form of video production, who is going to try and record over a DVD? Plus, with Tivo or a DVR being all up in everyone's homes, who would record using a VHS or DVD anyway? Add to that the fact that wedding videos are boring and who the eff cares if one gets taped over? Rather watch a rerun of the Super Bowl anyway. Go Niners.
Couple Gets Lost on the Way to Something Important
There's a really important function the wife has to get to. She'll get a promotion, or some sort of award, or an abortion. The husband says "Don't worry, I'll get us there" and wouldn't you know it? Gets lost. That stupid husband! Thinks he doesn't need maps! Isn't he stupid?
Notable Offender: Home Improvement aurgh aurgh aurgh
Solution Today: GPS. Yes, the husband is stupid. But no, he doesn't need a map. With GPS units such as Tom Tom and Garmin being ridiculously cheap, not to mention iPhones and VZ Navigator, and maybe even a built-in GPS system in most luxury cars, it's pretty hard to get lost nowadays. You could even go so far as to use a cell phone to call a friend to help with Google maps. Honestly, there really is no excuse, unless you are dirt poor, in which case, how are you going to afford that abortion anyway? Hang** in there, guy.
Kid Hides Terrible Report Card From Parents
So the smarmy, jackass kid in the family can't seem to figure out World History. First off, who cares? The only history you need to learn is American, unless you're a terrorist***. The kid comes home and is so embarrassed and scared of repercussion that the kid hides the report card, but inevitably has to own up to their failures because of some call from the principal or the teacher or something. Kid gets all sad, parents feel bad, hug, the end. Stupid kid gets rewarded for being a dumbass.
Notable Offender: Full House
Solution Today: E-MAIL. Yes, schools have no faith in kids nowadays to actually have any sort of interaction with their parents, and are probably so tired of parents calling them all the time that they finally instituted e-mailing grades to the parents so that they could constantly monitor their children in school. Next thing you know there will be webcams in class so the parents can watch from home and get mad anytime their son bites his nails when THEY HAVE TOLD HIM SO MANY TIMES TO STOP DOING THAT HIS FINGERS ARE BLEEDING FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. And again, hello? Terrorists****?!?
Stay tuned for further examples of how modern society is ruining sitcoms. Or is it the other way around?