The pros and cons associated with different accents from around the globe… as written by an American.

British:
Pros:

  • Right off the bat, your perceived intelligence level skyrockets into the range of genius.
  • You're incredible at soccer, whether or not you actually are.
  • You're automatically 25 to 45 percent more attractive to the opposite sex.
  • You've had a Dyson vacuum cleaner for years. They're OK.
  • You get to say "across the pond" without sounding retarded.
Cons:
  • The food in your country is awful aside from your breakfast, which is really awful.
  • You shouldn't be allowed behind the wheel of a car as, back in foggy Londontown, you drive on the wrong side of the road.
  • "You know what would be really funny? If I talked with a British accent in front of him."
  • You're an aficionado on every British celebrity (i.e. Jason Statham,Orlando Bloom, all of the Spice Girls, and Simon Cowell).
  • You and your countrymen were defeated in the Revolutionary War, thereby losing ownership of this country (the greatest country in the f**kin' universe).

Eastern European:
Pros:

  • You know everything there is to know about vodka, thus making you an authority on which vodkas are good, which vodkas are bad and which vodkas you can trick your friends into thinking are good.
  • I hear Moscow is sick.
Cons:
  • You sound like:
        Boris (or Natasha) from Bullwinkle
        Ivan Drago from Rocky IV
        The Russians in Miracle
        Everyone from Hunt for Red October
        The bad guys from Behind Enemy Lines
        Ivan Korshunov from Air Force One
        Boris from James Bond: Goldeneye (both movie and N64 classic)
        You know what? Almost every movie villain ever.
  • The Cold War was mostly your bad. I mean, what was the deal with that Communism… thing?

Australian:
Pros:

  • You can literally get any American girl you want. Any girl.
  • You're really good at surfing. Actually, you're really good at every extreme sport.
  • You're from the same country as Heath Ledger who was that guy who played the Joker in The Dark Knight. That's awesome.
  • You have a pet Koala Bear and a pet Kangaroo.
Cons:
  • "Let's put another shrimp on the barbie!"
  • You know, on a personal level, Steve Irwin, wife Terri and daughter Bindi Sue.
  • "So I hear it rains a lot in England."
  • Vegemite.