With swine flu running amok across college campuses I've decided to not research the disease and instead just write an article based on fear.

So the main tip every health center is giving out this fall and winter is to wash your hands, and keep them away from your face. Instead just have your hands removed and put on ice until swine flu is over with. It may sound extreme but what person has ever needed hands? Plus everything tastes good as a shake (even steak, hence the restaurant chain Steak n' Shake).

Next, drink hand sanitizer. This will thouroughly sanitize your insides while also getting you hammered…before it kills you.

Don't f*&$ pigs. I feel like this one needs no explanation.

Eat bacon. This shows the pigs whose boss and that you're not backing down.

Read "Lord of the Flies". We've seen what pigs have done to us in the past. Let us not repeat it. (oh and sucks to your assmar)

Now grant it this is not real medical advice so don't try any of these. And if you thought to try one and then sue me for, well I don't have any money. Leaving you handless and poor.