Koopa Troopa, Goomba, Shy Guy and Bob-omb sit in a pub.
Troopa: How much longer they got you walking between those two pipes?
Goomba: Two more weeks on the job, then I'm retired. I can't wait to see my kids again.
King Koopa enters.
King Koopa: Hey guys!
Everyone: Hey, King Koopa!
King Koopa: Ha, yeah, about that actually. You guys can just call me Bowser now.
Everyone looks confused.
Goomba: Bowser? What's Bowser?
King Koopa: It's my new nickname. You know, I'm a big turtle dinosaur, and everyone bows before me. I am the Bow-saur! Or Bowser, cause that's easier to say.
Goomba: That's retarded.
King Koopa crushes Goomba.
Troopa: Oh my god! Well, I definitely think it's cool!
King Koopa: Thanks! I knew I could count on you guys. So it's settled, I'm Bowser from now on.
Shy Guy: I don't know. What was wrong with just being King Koopa?
King Koopa: Uh, well
it's just that "King Koopa" was my father's name. And his father's, and his father's before that. That's kind of how monarchy works, you know? I figured it was time for a change.
Bob-omb: So this has nothing to do with the fact that someone spray-painted "King Poopa" all over your castle last week?
King Koopa: Nope. Definitely not.
Shy Guy: LookI'm sorry, but you can't just give yourself a new nickname. Especially if it's something stupid like Bows-
King Koopa breathes fire on Shy Guy.
Shy Guy: My flesh!
Shy Guy collapses into a burning heap.
Troopa: Oh shit! Oh no!
King Koopa: Ha! Did you guys see that? Classic Bowser move.
Troopa: That's totally, uh
wow! In conclusion, great name, boss!
Bob-omb: Look, I feel like I have to step in here. You are the boss. No one here's arguing that. I just don't think it's appropriate for us to be displaying that level of familiarity with one another in the workplace. I mean, everyone called me "Boomer" my senior year of college, but I left all that behind me when I started here.
Troopa: Really? "Boomer" is a pretty sweet name, dude.
Troopa: It really suits you, too.
King Koopa: Hey guys, I changed my mind. Everyone call me "Boomer" from now on.
Bob-omb: Jesus. Why can't you just go by your first name?
King Koopa: Gaylord Koopa?
Bob-omb: Point taken.
Mario: What's up, dick-holders?
Mario stands at the door to the pub. A hush falls over the patrons.
Mario: Hold your applause. Some nutmunch just delivered a box of business cards to my condo by mistake. Which one of you short-bus jockeys is named "Bowser"?
King Koopa: Um
uh, actually, those belong to-
Mario: Oh, hey, it's King Poopa. How's that IBS treating you, fagasaurus?
King Koopa: (muttering)
that's actually, not my name
my name is Bowser, now
Mario: These cards are yours? Nice lavender cardstock. Your name sounds like John Goodman trying to order dessert but all his chins keep getting in the way. Catch you later, koopa queers. Mario out!
Mario flicks the cards in King Koopa's face and exits. Long silence. King Koopa sniffles.
Troopa: You okay, boss?
Bob-omb: Hey, don't listen to that guy, he's just jealous.
King Koopa: (sniff) You think so?
Bob-omb: I know it. Hey, you know what would be classic? Let's go kidnap his girlfriend and put her at the end of a series of progressively more difficult castles.
King Koopa: (sniff) Can we
can we fill the castles with lava?
Bob-omb: I don't know. What would Bowser do?
King Koopa: You guys are the best.