Please remove tinfoil suit for better reception.

A true optimist would think the glass is half awesome.
-Jeremy D
Next time you see a porn star lying on one of those heart-shaped beds, take a minute to remember the human-shaped bed who donated it before it died.
-Patrick Cassels
I hear Danny Glover hates to watch himself act in his movies. I never knew we had so much in common
-Thomas Muir
It's just a louder way of breathing.
-Charlie Forsell
Christian Bale: SNL's Greatest Host
"OK, Christian, we're gonna need you to drop 30lbs for the hobo sketch and then gain 50 for the Batman parody. Also, the green body paint arrived for your Kermit impression."
-Jennifer Morris

The only thing worse than having to poop in public is trying to poop in public and not being able to.
-YouCanCallMe VanZant
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind… in one eye, and therefore has shitty depth perception.
-Donavon Nickel
Do you think pro-choice vegetarians eat eggs?
-Spencer L.
It's not cheating if you spread your peanut butter all over your testicles and let a random girl lick it off… because it's YOUR peanut butter.
-Mike Condon
up, down, up, down, up, kneel, down, up, down. That aint Contra, thats a Catholic mass bitch.
-Craig B
I snorted coke before and it was good, but is snorting diet coke just being redundant?
-Arthur Uyesugi
I love pencils. I have a saying: "You've got to look out for No. 1, and also, your pencil."
-Dan Gurewitch