Please remove tinfoil suit for better reception.
A true optimist would think the glass is half awesome.
Next time you see a porn star lying on one of those heart-shaped beds, take a minute to remember the human-shaped bed who donated it before it died.
I hear Danny Glover hates to watch himself act in his movies. I never knew we had so much in common
Whistling "It's just a louder way of breathing.
Christian Bale: SNL's Greatest Host"OK, Christian, we're gonna need you to drop 30lbs for the hobo sketch and then gain 50 for the Batman parody. Also, the green body paint arrived for your Kermit impression."
The only thing worse than having to poop in public is trying to poop in public and not being able to.
An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind in one eye, and therefore has shitty depth perception.
Do you think pro-choice vegetarians eat eggs?
It's not cheating if you spread your peanut butter all over your testicles and let a random girl lick it off because it's YOUR peanut butter.
up, down, up, down, up, kneel, down, up, down. That aint Contra, thats a Catholic mass bitch.
I snorted coke before and it was good, but is snorting diet coke just being redundant?
I love pencils. I have a saying: "You've got to look out for No. 1, and also, your pencil."