Andy: Hey guys! Excited about Columbus Day?
Max: I mean I guess. It's nice we don't have to listen to Ms. Kremp wheeze math problems at us for a day.
Jack: Yeah, that'll be pretty good, but I can already tell that my mom is going to make me rake leaves with my dad.
Andy: That's it?
Max: I mean, I'll probably play Halo for like 8 hours.
Andy: You mean to tell me that you're not celebrating Columbus Day?
Jack: Not sure where you're going with this one, and I'm afraid to answer, but no. I guess I'm not.
Andy: What about you?
Andy: Guys! Where is your holiday spirit?
Jack: I guess I'm not exactly sure how one would celebrate a day like Columbus Day.
Andy: Well, Columbus Day in our family is huge. Like, really big.
Max: How does your family celebrate Columbus Day?
Andy: OK, so every October 12th, my family and I all gather at my house in the early morning. Then we decorate the mini-vans 15th century style and draw straws for who gets to be the Santa Maria. The Nina and the Pinta never make it all the way, but it's all part of the fun.
Jack: So far I believe
none of this.
Andy: Stay with me. I haven't even gotten to the conquest yet.
Max: I'm getting really excited?
Andy: Aunt Ruth's family gets one van and uncle Charlie is in the other. We have a pretty big white family.
Andy: And we're all dressed up in armor, guns and spears I always get to wear a corset!
Max: Excuse me?
Andy: and pile into the vans! The only ones who don't go are my Grandma and Grandpa, they come in later. After we get the vans started, we start driving to a pre-selected, less affluent town, usually Vinegrove. We choose Vinegrove because, though it is poor from a monetary standpoint, it is rich with natural resources such as timber, crops and gold.
Jack: Max, didn't your family just move to Vinegrove?
Max: Shut up dude!
Andy: Once we roll into the town, we storm a house under the pretense that we are gods amongst men.
Jack: They just let you in?
Andy: People will pretty much do anything when a blunderbuss is pointed at their face.
Max: Whats a blunderbuss?
Andy: Its only the most bad ass Conquistador gun of the old world! Duh!
Max: I was really hoping that it wasn't a gun.
Andy: Once we've secured the house and gained their trust, we gather them all in the living room. Here is where it gets a bit confusing. We give them a few options. They can cease to worship their false gods and redeem themselves for being soulless, polytheistic savages, or we "kill" them.
Jack: That sounds pretty straight forward. Not much confusion there.
Andy: Well here's the thing. What they don't know is that even if they succumb to our demands; even if they allow us to take their gold and resources, they are going to "die" anyway.
Max: Wait, why?
Andy: We enslave them regardless of whether they choose to conform or not. The other reason is that we, being from a different part of the world we tend to carry a great deal of foreign diseases that their weak, godless bodies can't handle.
Jack: This is awful. Really awful. How is it that you can continue to do this every year?
Andy: As long as we send back a portion of our plunder back to grandma; our matriarch, queen, we're all good! Finally, we spray paint our family crest on the front door and christen the new world as ours. You guys have really never heard of this?
Max: That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
Jack: Yeah. This whole
thing you guys do is really not OK.
Andy: Whatever you guys, this Columbus Day is going to be great. Hey, my mom's here. I gotta go. See ya guys!
Max: Bye I guess.
Andy: Oh and hey Max?
Andy: I'll see you Monday. I can't wait to gag your dad.