I love Stars Wars, but I spend way too much time thinking about it. Literally, every night before I fall asleep I ponder life-changing questions about Star Wars like:


1.  Why does Chewbacca not get a medal?

At the end of the movie Luke and Han are rewarded for their efforts with medals. However, Chewbacca does not receive a medal. Did I miss something? Chewbacca risked his life to save Luke and help destroy the Death Star. For all we know, it was Chewbacca who actually fired the shot that hit the right spot on that one other Tie fighter that bumped into Darth Vader's Tie fighter just in the right way to send him spinning into space away from the Death Star thus leaving the plot open to sequels. I for one, thank you Chewbacca. I suspect that Chewbacca did not get a medal based on race, which is total bullshit. They live in a world where Jar Jar Binks can become a galactic senator, but they won't give Chewy a medal. I'd hate to see what racist anti-Wookie laws are enacted once the Rebellion has gained power.


2.  Why is there a garbage monster?

What the hell was that monster doing in there? Wouldn't it get crushed in the garbage bin or flushed out like everything else? A garbage monster could only be a one-time deal. Don't get me wrong, it almost worked out perfectly for the empire. But, could they have seriously planned that? Random Stormtrooper, "So I just put a snake like monster with one eye into that garbage receptacle. I am pretty sure the four most important people to the Rebellion are going to get stuck down there and I am hoping the monster kills them all or at the least the one that will become a Jedi." I feel bad for that guy; he was so close and showed so much initiative. The empire would do a lot better if all stormtroopers where like him instead of the rest of the piss poor marksmen drones.


3.  Why is Episode V so hard on Luke?

 Throughout the entire movie no matter what Luke is doing he is getting his ass kicked. He is beat up by that snow monster, crash lands a snowspeeder, gets freaked out by some weird creatures on Degaba, gets his hand cut off by Darth Vader, and for a finale he cries like a little girl. The only fight he wins is versus himself in that tripped-out cave and even then at least one Luke Skywalker loses. I am confident it was this movie that ruined Mark Hammel's career. He needs to take a page from Jason Stathum, never get beat up no matter what and always look tough. Sure he rebounds in the Return of the Jedi, but the damage is done. No actor has ever had a successful career after crying when finding out his father is Darth Vader.*

*Note: There is a very small sample size for this.


4.  Would an Ewok make a good pet?

I know some people don't like Ewoks. Well, I LOVE Ewoks. There is nothing cooler. They are just big fuzz balls. I want one as a pet. However, there could be a few problems. 1) Is it smart to have an animal as a pet that can make spears and other such devices that can destroy Imperial death machines? 2) The Ewoks tried to cook Han Solo. I would not want my pet to cook me. 3) Ewoks are smart. Is it ethical to keep an Ewok as a  pet? It seems like a fine line that PETA would be total dicks about. 


5. Why can't I be as cool as Han Solo?

Han Solo is the coolest person to ever live. It pains me to know I can never be as cool as him. Every night before I go to sleep I say this pray, "Dear God, please make me as cool as Han Solo. Give me a sweet blaster, an awesome spaceship, a Wookie best friend, and an 'I don't care' attitude that will allow me to hook up with a hot space princess one day. PS. Also, please help the starving orphans of the world. But if you can only choose one, please make me as cool as Han Solo." I will go to hell for this.