Finally, we get to the last audition city of Season 6: San Antonio. I'm almost as excited as the 11,000 people who showed up to bust a vocal chord in the hopes that the judges will "remember" them the way Seacrest "remembers" to mention "remembering" a certain "Alamo" approximately 846 times. Give it a rest, Ryan. That shit is even more played-out than jokes about you being gay.Apparently the craziest person they could find in Texas was Brian Kyrish, who cites Billy Idol, "Ozzie," and ACDC among his influences. His speaking voice sounds really nerdy, like one of those guys who's always laughing a little tiny bit at everything he says, on the inside, because he's just so excited to be talking to another human being in person. His audition consists primarily of a loud drop to his knees and yelling "MO! MO! MO!" while pumping his fist in the air. Predictably, the judges do not want "mo," and Brian, despite the fact that he was the grand-prize winner of a mock-Idol competition, does not get to go to Hollywood. Haley Scranto, age 24, has been singing with wedding bands since she was four. This is impressive because four-year-olds are traditionally allowed to sing with wedding bands because of their vocal prowess and not, for instance, because of their adorable novelty. You can tell she thinks she's totally the shit, and she does have a smokin' bod, but
I'm sorry, I have to say it: butterface. I kind of wish she would make it to the Final Two and lose just so I can say, "Wait, who's the winner? Oh man! I can't believe it's not Butterface!" But I digress. Her rendition of "I Can't Make You Love Me" holds true to its promise, as Randy and Simon remain unimpressed with a hint of ambivalence, probably kind of like how they feel about whether or not they want to have sex with her. Additionally, she has a decent voice, so she's going to Hollywood.Jasmine Holland's mom made her come onto the show, because (I'm paraphrasing) "she's 22 and she sings in her church choir, and it's about time she moved out the damn house and got herself a man." Jasmine is extremely meek, and her audition sucks pretty terribly, but I felt bad for her at first, because you can tell that, while her voice doesn't have the nicest tone or anything, she probably knows how to carry a tune, it's just that she's nervous because she's going to be on TV and her mom is trying to kick her out of the house, and if she doesn't make it to Hollywood, where will she live? She'll never get a man with that gargantuan fupa she's toting around in place of a fanny pack. Then when they told her she sucked, she got all, "You don't know me!" etc, and I, really, now I have to hate her. She and Randy have a Black Person Fight about how unfamous Randy is, and how he's not even sporting any bling, and how he sucks at shooting hoops and spitting rhymes and picking up hunnies in his Escalade. I was hoping Seacrest would be waiting in the hall with a knife when she walked out the door, and that maybe he would stab her in the fupa and it would deflate and she would fly around the room like a punctured balloon, but instead all I got was her family acting all indignant her her mom protesting that Simon doesn't know anything because he isn't American: "Simon
what's he? FRENCH?"Baylie Brown may turn out the be the "Bay"n of my existence, depending on how far she makes it in this competition. First off, she's cute. She's 16 and blonde and is a self-professed aficionado of fashion magazines. She also lives in the country (but is a "city girl at heart") and is, according to her father, afraid that their horses will eat her. I guess at least she won't end up on the internet with her face covered in horsey sauce (probably). Anyway, she has a pretty nice voice, if she would just stop being so affected and country about it, which I don't foresee happening. Simon loves her. He says she is "every record label's dream" and "commercial with a capital C." Basically, he wishes she would end up on the internet with her face covered in Simon sauce.Next up we are introduced to a pair of cousins of the African American persuasion, and my first thought was naturally, "Oh, another gimmick. How pleasant. How unexpected! I can hardly wait." I continued this prejudice (against gimmicks, not against black people, you jerks) when they professed to be total opposites who live together, much like Bruce Banner and the Incredible Hulk. A regular Odd Couple, they are. Additionally, neither has a job or any money, so, you know, they meet all my expectations about black people. OR DO THEY? William Green auditions first. He sings "Amazing Grace" and the amazing thing is that he manages to never once sing a note that either sounds good or is part of the melody. Magnificent. I hated him until he admitted that he was only there to be with his cousin, at which point I was indifferent. Then he told the judges that when he left, he was going to make a fuss, and Randy was all, "Yo, represent, dog, do what you gotta do," and he opened the door and started yelling at the judges about how upset he was, etc, while they giggled, and then I fell in love with him. Truly. I want him for my own. His cousin Akron Watson sang "A Change Gone Come," and one can immediately tell from the way she is smiling and stroking her clitoris that Paula thinks he is absolutely the cat's pajamas. Simon, however, was bored by his audition, so he stepped it up a notch and sang "Let's Get it On," which won him a sweet, Paula-sauce-coated ticket to Hollywood. Sandie Chavez is, remarkably, the only person of apparent Mexican descent to appear in the Texas audition. She holds her ear while she's singing, presumably to hear herself better, and also, conveniently, to make herself look like an idiot. I'm not sure what the song was, but she sounded, if you can imagine such a bastardization, like the tracheally disfigured lovechild of James Brown and Sylvester Stallone. I hope Eddie Murphy was watching. I smell a new stand-up routine.Ashlyn Carr gets to audition twice. Let me just say that the girl is seriously beautiful, which I think had a lot to do with their leniency towards her, but she was also respectful and polite and has an interesting and sexy voice. Their initial objection to her was that she scrunches up her face (not unlike Whitney "Crack is Cheap" Houston) when she sings, which they claim looks weird and is distracting, but which also affects her diction and makes her go off pitch, which is the bigger problem. Anyway, after Simon says yes but Randy and Paula say no, they decide that if Simon actually likes someone, they should probably let her go to Hollywood. Plus, like I said, she's really beautiful, and Simon is not adverse to wetting his dick in some brown sugar. (Oh, also, when she came back into the audition room, Simon was all, "You have some bad habits that you need to get rid of" while overtly fondling his own glorious man-breasts. I mean, really. How is anyone supposed to take that hypo-Brit seriously? P.S. You're not the only one who can make horrible puns, Seacrest.)Thank God for the last audition of the season, one Jimmy McNeal, a rotund and smiley black man who literally melts my heart with his good cheer and remarkably awesome rendition of "Cupid." Also, when he went out into the hall, Seacrest was holding his daughter up so she could see her dad, which was kind of hilarious because he looked like he'd never lifted a child before in his life. Also, Jimmy was all, "I'm going to Hollywood!" and his daughter was all, "So?" It's funny because she doesn't care about his dreams. With the 22 who made it from San Antonio, we wrap up the cattle-call portion of Season 6. Finally!