There is so much knowledge you gain in college, and so much of it goes untold. I have decided my new mission will be to disperse this invaluable knowledge to the masses any way I see fit. So welcome to my series of how to save your tookus some cash and look like a champ doing it.


This issue we will focus on getting the executive treatment at classy foodie places on a college student budget…by appearing like you're a food critic. Here is what you will need

1 The Look
2 The Dialogue
3 The Tools

1 The Look -Dress like you have that money…even though I know you don't. Borrow a suit, or steal a button up from that prep kid that always leaves his door unlocked when he's dropping a douce. Whether its a thrift store get-up, or that christmas present outfit that you figured you would never wear because it's too classy…Make sure you look the part of someone who belongs.

2 The Dialogue – College students talk about chicks/dicks, beer, parties, and nights they can't remember. Sophisticated people discuss their significant others/recent acquaintances, microbrews or distinguished cocktails, soirees and social gatherings, wine and cheese parties, and well…nights they can't remember…but by keeping the dialogue sophisticated, the waitress, busboy, and other servers will see how clearly you are who they think you are…use big words…but SERIOUSLY…avoid the blackout drunk night stories.

3 The Tools – This is where some new knowledge comes out. I first gained the idea from watching Hot Fuzz…the notepad is your most valuable tool. It not only gives you something to write girls' numbers on in the clinch, but it also gives you the tool of a TRUE food critic. Jot a few words down after every few bites, or try to line it up with when the server is coming…they will TOTALLY fall for it.


With these few steps and tools under your belt, you should find yourself getting the ultimate treatment at any restaurant you choose to patron (see…use big words). HOWEVER…point of note…you can only really pull this once at each location…second time around you can probably expect a side of mucus and crotch dandrif.

Be well, Be cheap, Be your sexy selves.