I got a pretty sweet jacket at American Eagle the other day. It was only thirty bucks and just my size: XXL. Except in the real world I wear a large. Seriously, I’m not that fat which makes me wonder what the hell their deal is. For some reason, American Eagle doesn’t start their sizing out at small like normal stores would. Oh no. That’d be too easy. Instead they start at extra small which not even the most anorexic of emo kids can squeeze into. Maybe (and it’s a really big maybe) my five-year-old brother could wear them but since there’s no Sponge Bob or tractors on them, that probably wouldn’t happen. I guess rich people could dress up their scarecrows in AE. Do they even make scarecrows anymore?

It just doesn’t make sense to me. Why not make sizes what they are? They don’t even make clothes big enough for real fat people which is stupid because this country has quite a few of them. Think about it. Make larger clothes for fat people and create new sizes like Hippo, Whale, and Roseanne. The customer base will be sure to triple. When this happens AE’s prices should go down. Then I won’t have to pay 75 dollars for a scarf. Everybody wins.

But really, for guys, what size your clothes aren’t that big a deal. What’s more important for us is video games, high fiving, and hitting each other over the head with bottles.

What I’m more worried about is the poor little girls who, thanks to the media, have low self-esteem to begin with. They already see on TV that they aren’t pretty enough. Let’s have their favorite store tell them that they’re fat as well. But then again, without these positive influences we might not have awesome diseases like Anorexia and Bulimia. And let me tell you, nothing gets guys going like a girl who makes herself throw-up.

Now don’t get me wrong and be like, “Well Jason Bice, if you hate American Eagle so much, why don’t you just not shop there?”

Because I got a freaking sweet deal on a jacket. That’s why! I mean, I still gotta look fancy. If I don’t nobody will like me, and then how do you expect me to score hot chicks? On my personality?! That just doesn’t work nowadays unless, of course, you’re a conniving hippy who can find some girl naïve enough to believe the crap that you tell her.But that’s a bit off the subject. Hippies don’t shop at American Eagle.

Have you ever walked into one and had someone greet you promptly? Yeah, it’s pretty nice. Then you walk another five steps and then someone else greets you. The employees and their little walkie-talkie headsets are just so friendly.

“Hey man, that’s a really sweet jacket! Did you know we have graphic tees on sale for 10 bucks?

“Oh, really? No, I didn’t know that because I can’t read the giant sign you have up that says “Graphic Tees on for only 10 bucks.”

“Yeah, they’re really sweet like that jacket you’re thinking about buying. Did you know we have socks on sale for only 35 bucks? It’s a sweet deal for the sweet socks much like those sweet graphic tees and that sweet jacket you’re thinking about buying.”

I could go on with this but it gets annoying. Plus with all this “sweet” talk, my readers might “sour” on me. Ha Ha Ha. Lamest joke ever. But honestly, they get that annoying. I mean just let me pick out my damn scarves in peace. You don’t have to act like we’re best friends. My best friend is Jesus and he never tries to sell me graphic tees.