Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
The Morning After Nip/Tuck: Enigma
October 26, 2009
Teddy Rose tries to wake Sean up, but he's unresponsive. Shecalls Christian into the room and he's like, "
did the Carver get himagain?" and she's like, "No, I think he took some evil sleeping pills that Igave him," and Christian's like, "It's always something with you crazy kids.Hold his head back while I pump his stomach with this stomach pump that I justghetto-rigged." And she's like, "Well I guess he's alive now. Hrm."
Teddy Rose learns from Christian that Sean is basicallypenniless, and she reveals that she proposed to him, which is probably whatmade him go off the deep end and try to Colleen Rose himself with sleepingpills. Teddy Rose offers to machine gun him to death with her leg, next time.
Christian tells Sean that he'll handle the imminent consult,because Sean is suicidal and almost as useless as when he was faking lower-bodyparalysis. The consult is with Jared, aka "Enigma," (an apparent American Idolaudition reject) whose parents are not very pleased with his choice to cover hisbody in scars. He has crosses and 666s and whatnot all over himself. On theback of his head, he has a tattoo of a skull. Enigma is totally not enigmaticat all, you guys. He probably spent a lot of time masturbating to MarilynManson, which is something that he and Teddy Rose have in common. Enigma sayshe wishes he would have been aborted. His mom claims that he's been "attractedto the darker part of his personality" since he was a child. So, I'm thinkingsome sort of Jekyll and Hyde scenario with twins went on, probably.
Liz is taking inventory of Christian's boat with theassistance of a nerdy-chic homosexual young man. Christian claims to have notrecognized Liz, almost definitely because she is wearing sunglasses. Lizdoesn't even like boats, so she's going to burn it. That seems awfully wastefuland Viking-y. She plans to throw a party for her lesbians first, so Christianpushes her into the water. Liz reacts poorly to this, obviously, and threatensto leave Christian with nothing but his penis. Christian's like, "How can I usethat to get another boat ?"
Kimber is doing a bad job of electrolysis in a salon full ofAsian people somewhere. Christian visits her to badmouth her place of work andoffer to make pornography with her. Specifically, he offers to fuck a lot ofgirls with a bag over his head so no one will recognize him, which is everyguy's dream job today like being a pilot was every guy's dream job in the1960s. Kimber casually mentions that she was recently offered the opportunityto launch her own sex toy line. She's like, "but I don't really want to, so "and Christian says, "I'll do it. I'll make a mold of my dick" before she evenfinishes the sentence. Christian expounds upon his penis's virtues while Kimberrolls her eyes. Christian kisses her and is like, "Seriously, think about it.People would be able to make my dildo have sex with your sex doll. It would beadorable. Like a complete play set," and Kimber's like, "Gah maybe."
Meanwhile, Sean lays in bed at night, afraid of his ceilingfan. In response, he unmakes his bed in a fit of rebellion. The next morning,he's all, "Hey Teddy, why didn't you come over last night?" and she's like, "Iwas busy coming all over somewhere else," and looks pretty much exactly like ifMatt had a baby with Alyssa Milano. She argues with Sean because he is brokeand threatens to break their engagement, which Sean wasn't really even thatenthused about in the first place, so good threat.
Later, Sean sits on the edge of his bed, then stares all bleary-eyedinto a fisheye lens. He goes to the bathroom to look for sleeping pills somemore, or some kind of medicine, or something, and pours a whole shit ton oflittle white pills into his hand. It's Christian's bathroom, I guess, so it'sprobably old breast cancer medicine? Christian bitches out Sean for beingalmost as bad as Matt, and he takes the pills back and threatens to have Sean'smedical license revoked if Christian catches him trying to eat 14 grams ofrandom prescription medicine again.
Christian bitches about Liz assisting on a surgery, and Lizis like, "Well, Sean and Teddy broke up, so," and Christian is like, "Maybe weshouldn't have been dating both of our anesthesiologists." Donny Darko music(unfortunately apparently not the Adam Lambert version) is the soundtrack forEnigma's scar removal. Man, remember when the people getting surgery wereactually part of the show? Also they could not do all this work in one sitting.
Kimber prepares to make a mold of Christian's wiener. Shehands him some Vaseline and tells him to make himself hard. He's like, "Can'tyou give me head?" which is I assume the way Christian responds to women 95% ofthe time anyway. He sticks his face in Kimber's boobs, and pushes her off ofhim and demands that she slop the dildo mold goop on his "woody," becauseChristian uses stupid words, like he's a radio deejay or something.
Sean talks to some Avril-Lavigne-in-a-90s-grunge-band chickin an all-night diner. The girl knows everyone's life story, and her fianc
The Morning After
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