1. The "Why Isn't This Working?" Boss
At first, you may mistake this guy for an unusually thick intern. But once he parks himself behind his executive credenza and starts bawling about his email client, your ego will be piledrived by the horrible truth: this flailing man-child is your boss.
Odds are you'll never get to your real job, since you'll spend every moment helping this special-needs supervisor send "eMemos" through his "BlogBerry." Why has someone who can't understand how a mouse works been given control over other human beings? Maybe it's fate, or maybe it's because your entire life is the subject of Japan's #1 Hidden Camera Prank Show: "Happy Go Go Dream-Crushing: American Youth Has Maximum Aneurysm With Peanut Sauce."
You May Already Know Him: In college, he was the guy outside your window at 4AM screaming "Why isn't the food court open?" and sobbing while he tugged on the door handle.
2. The "I Swear This Is All On The Up-And-Up" Boss
Wow man, you hit the jackpot on this one. This boss is young, cool, and a high-powered financial manager who speaks in words that sound like they're worth a million dollars each. Better yet, he said he'd take you under his wing! You're a made man.
What exactly does he do? Something involving doubledown hedge-business trimester merger loans. Right, right, who cares? The money's rolling in, and he trusts you so much that he lets you put your signature on everything right next to his. This guy is awesome.
Weird, though, he should have been in the office by now. I guess he went on vacation. Huh. Looks like he took all the office furniture with him. Come to think of it, where is everyone? Is it a holiday? Better check the news oh cool, that's your boss's face on CNN!
Oh, hold up, some pretty angry-looking guys in suits are getting off the elevator. Some of them are pointing at you and shouting. I guess they must be friends of his?
You May Already Know Him: "Man, did you know that you get free pizza if you donate blood this year? Yeah? Well, here's the kicker: It can be anybody's blood. No, they don't advertise that, but it's true. Unrelated note: I need you to meet me tonight at nine in the alleyway behind the gym. Bring a bucket."
3. The "Drink the Kool-Aid? I Love Kool-Aid!" Boss
Work is simple. You go into the office, roll your eyes for eight hours, then you come home and bitch about it to either A) your significant other or B) the internet. Another workday crossed off the calendar before you can finally embrace the sweet release of death.
Not so for Kool-Aid Boss. He's excited to be here. He's excited you're here. He's excited that you, him, and the mammoth, cold, uncaring corporation are all on the same team. Years of mind-sapping tedium have sucked the self-esteem right out of his brain-tubes, and he's now convinced that the company is his only friend.
Will he cheerfully deprive his employees of benefits because a higher-up told him to? Of course! Would he have you killed for the same reason? Maybe. He knows a guy.
You May Already Know Him: "Hey guys, look! A Student Activities knifeless pumpkin-decorating contest! Fuck yes! This is what college is all about, am I right?"
4. The "I Was Born to Do This" Boss
By now, college and the internet have probably coated your brain in a rich layer of postmodern pseudo-irony that will forever protect it from taking anything seriously or ever knowing true love (sorry about that). But some people have to justify their existence in other ways, like, say, the "I Was Born to Do This" Boss.
It doesn't matter what hellhole you two are working in, your boss wouldn't want to be anywhere else. This job runs in his blood. Working in a shoe store? His ancestors brought the first Foot Locker over on the Mayflower. Selling cutlery sets door-to-door? His great-grandfather was Kleevor the Flesh Render, Emperor of Knives.
You May Already Know Him: "Move it guys, we have a deadline to meet. ClamJams is the only campus magazine currently dedicated to pictures of shellfish dressed to look like famous R&B singers, and I will have your goddamned ass on a platter if you make us look like idiots in the next issue."
5. The "We're All Going to Die" Boss
Welcome to the team! Great to have you. Now get out your life vest and grab on to something, because all our clients are on fire and our money is imploding.
This boss gives off enough anxiety to power seventeen junior proms. Between the global recession, and the fact that there are eighty million Chinese people who could do his job a hell of a lot better, it's amazing he crawled out of the fetal position long enough to hire you.
Expect mandatory daily meetings full of desperate themes like "The Internet = Wealth Success???" and "Recession-Proof: Incorporating Pornography Into Your Business Model." Eventually one of his doomed ideas will involve firing you. Just don't be surprised when this boss slips you his resume during your goodbye handshake and mouths "take me with you."
You May Already Know Him: "The final is tomorrow? No problem. Just give me a fifth of vodka, a bag of Pete's special brownies and lock me in the supply room. If I huff these along with some of the chemicals in there, there's a small chance I'll be able to escape this terrible dimension of consequences."