I've had enough of the drama!
No you have not. You love drama. You hate that Gossip Girl isn't a reality show.

The gym kicked my ass!
You recently started working out and want everyone to know. If you worked out more, you'd know that working out produces a greater natural high than facebook comments.

"Quote from a famous person." -Famous Person
It's possible you heard something interesting and wanted to share. More than likely you couldn't think of anything to say, but wanted people to know you still exist.

Back on the market!
You recently broke up with a significant other, and are masking your feelings of loneliness by desperately trying to get attention. Especially if it's in front of your ex. By the way, we all know that dude with you in your facebook picture is actually your cousin.

Ugh!
Something insignificant is wrong. Maybe the person you like (but know is a douchebag) is acting like a douchebag. Or maybe you're an overachiever and someone else in your honors class turned in a paper that was half a page longer than yours. Either way, you know deep down that none of this will matter in a year, but you still want sympathy.

I love my friends! You guys are SOOOOO awesome! Thanks for the birthday wishes!!!!!
You value people who pretend they are friends with you. If it were not for facebook's birthday reminders, you'd have gotten three happy birthdays and they would have all been from your grandmother.

I can't wait for the summer to be over! I miss everyone!
The summer has become a scary reminder of how bad high school was. With every passing day, you are reminded why you went away to school in the first place.

Whatever
You are pretending to be indifferent about something that clearly bothers you, or you wouldn't have addressed it. Indifference is denoted by silence, not cries for help.

Last night was off the chain! I'd tell you about it, but I'm too drunk to remember!
You're mildly clever. But if last night was truly off the chain, you'd be passed out or hung over, not updating your status at 9:00 AM.

I'm lonely!
This one is embarrassingly honest.

I love cock! I want to blow everyone!
Your account has been hacked. When you check your Facebook in the computer lab, log out.