Interior The Spooky Old House Up the Block Halloween Night
The old witch Mrs. Wilkins talks to her evil cat familiar, Hugo.
Mrs. Wilkins: Tonight's the night, Hugo. Tonight, when the moon is large and the spirits fly from their tombs, I shall take my revenge on the children of this town with razor blade-laced apples to spoil their goodie bags!
Doorbell rings. Mrs. Wilkins opens her front door, clutching a bowl of goodies.
Tommy and Lucy: Trick or Treat!
Mrs. Wilkins: Hello, little children. Would you like some candy? A Snickers bar? Some Nerds? Or perhaps an innocent, succulent APPLE!
Tommy: Snickers bar!
Lucy: Yay! Nerds!
Mrs. Wilkins: Yeah, um so no one wants the apple? Hmm? Anyone?
Lucy: No thanks! Bye, Mrs. Wilkins!
Mrs. Wilkins: No, wait! Hang on. I really think you kids should take this apple.
Mrs. Wilkins: Why? Why? Because it's Halloween, that's why. This is a treat. You're trick-or-treaters. When I was a kid, I would have given anything for a juicy red apple like this. You could even say I'd die for it.
Tommy: Apples are gross.
Mrs. Wilkins: What? What is wrong with you? I try to offer you something healthy and you opt for empty calories and sugary garbage? Where the hell are your parents?
Lucy: We're by ourselves this year! Daddy went to a party at The Jock's Trap.
Mrs. Wilkins: The gay bar down on Sutherland?
Tommy: And Mommy cried a lot and said she had a date with Mr. Jimmy Beam.
Mrs. Wilkins: Jesus. I guess your life is pretty sh*tty already. Well, Happy Halloween, then. Enjoy your candy.
Mrs. Wilkins closes the door.
Lucy: I thought she'd never leave. Hey, you want to microwave that Snickers bar and throw it in her pool?
Tommy: Let's do this. I f*cking love Halloween.