Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Razor Blade Apples
October 29, 2009
Interior The Spooky Old House Up the Block Halloween Night
The old witch Mrs. Wilkins talks to her evil cat familiar, Hugo.
Tonight's the night, Hugo. Tonight, when the moon is large and the spirits fly from their tombs, I shall take my revenge on the children of this town with razor blade-laced apples to spoil their goodie bags!
Doorbell rings. Mrs. Wilkins opens her front door, clutching a bowl of goodies.
Tommy and Lucy:
Trick or Treat!
Hello, little children. Would you like some candy? A Snickers bar? Some Nerds? Or perhaps an innocent, succulent
Yeah, um so no one wants the apple? Hmm? Anyone?
No thanks! Bye, Mrs. Wilkins!
No, wait! Hang on. I really think you kids should take this apple.
Why? Why? Because it's Halloween, that's why. This is a treat. You're trick-or-treaters. When I was a kid, I would have given anything for a juicy red apple like this. You could even say I'd
Apples are gross.
What? What is wrong with you? I try to offer you something healthy and you opt for empty calories and sugary garbage? Where the hell are your parents?
We're by ourselves this year! Daddy went to a party at The Jock's Trap.
The gay bar down on Sutherland?
And Mommy cried a lot and said she had a date with Mr. Jimmy Beam.
Jesus. I guess your life is pretty sh*tty already. Well, Happy Halloween, then. Enjoy your candy.
Mrs. Wilkins closes the door.
I thought she'd never leave. Hey, you want to microwave that Snickers bar and throw it in her pool?
Let's do this. I f*cking love Halloween.
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.