Gwen Stefani is a piece of shit. Anyone who likes her music is also a piece of shit, and has no taste in music. "Holla Back Girl" is one of the most annoying and brainless "songs" I've ever heard – until I heard her new "song". Are you serious? Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? It sounds like she dropped a bunch of marbles onto the keys of a synthesizer, and then farted blood onto the mic… And trust me, if anyone here knows what a bloodfart sounds like, it's me.

  • I would rather listen to a hour of car accidents than listen to Gwen Stefani.
  • I would rather listen to a retarded kid trapped in a burning house.
  • I would rather listen to my grandmother being gang raped by dogs.
  • I would rather listen to Beck's "Sea Change" album all the way through without stopping.
  • I would rather listen to someone blow butt mud into the eyes of my firstborn with the knowledge that the gastrointestinal acid in the stool would blind my child for life.

If I had the choice of listening to 10 seconds of any Gwen Stefani song, or having a white hot 10 inch railroad spike inserted into my dickhole, I would choose the latter – because at least I could take comfort in the fact that the thing causing me pain was well crafted.

Here's a small nugget of advice that will save you months, possibly years, of self anguish and self torment – If you or your boyfriend thinks Gwen Stefmani is hot, then you or your boyfriend secretly wants to fuck dudes. I would say that Gwen Stefani looks like a giant man, with her man face and her man legs and her man hands and her man mouth and her man chest, but really, I can't think of any man who's that brawny. I would say that her face looks like post "Shock N Awe" Baghdad, but that's insulting to Baghdad – also, I can't say that I've ever looked at a map of Baghdad and have wanted to desperately shit in it's mouth.

I heard that Mel Gibson's character in "Man Without A Face" was nominated for the "Character who looks most like Gwen Stefani without makeup" award, but lost out to a pile of donkey vomit.

Behind the scenes insider Tip Zone!!!

Here's how Gwen Stefani makes "music":

  1. She pushes the "demo" button on her shitty 1983 casio keyboard.
  2. She straps on a giant leather metal-spiked dildo.
  3. She mouthfucks her boyfriend Gavin "I'm such a pussy I named my band 'Bush'" Rossdale.
  4. She prints CDs and invites her shitty asian dancers over for her newest shitty video in which she looks like a (surprisingly convincing) shitty man.

As long as we're on the subject, one of the things that I hate most about the man Glen Stefani is her asian fetish – which wouldn't be unusual, she's a man after all – but there's something about the fact that she surrounds herself with asian chicks in blond wigs that reminds me of that girl in elementary school who kept My Little Ponies in her coat and secretly wanted to be a horse because no one else would talk to her. The whole thing just reeks of pathetic desperation. Does Gwen "I have a trouser snake" Stefani have any idea how fucking stupid she looks? Obviously not. Look, if I could get a bunch of asian dancers to hang out with me, I wouldn't waste the opportunity by making them all wear gray wigs and do cheerleader dances… Well, I wouldn't make them wear the wigs, anyway. Certainly, I wouldn't play them my TERRIBLE, HORRIFIC MUSIC. JESUS CHRIST YOU FUCKING TRANNY. YOU ARE A SHITTY SHITTY HUMAN BEING AND PS I KNOW I KEEP HARPING ON THIS BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH RED LIPSTICK YOU SMEAR ON THOSE HUGE MAN LIPS THAT SIT AROUND YOUR TALKHOLE LIKE GIANT KIELBASA SAUSAGES, YOU STILL LOOK LIKE A DUDE.

I guess one of the reasons why I hold Gwen Shitsonme (ha ha look at my funny play on words) in such disdain is because I really liked No Doubt… They were a great pop rock band with some really catchy tunes. To see her fuck that up only to come out with two albums of shitty noise is just depressing. Come on, Gwen "The Ken" Stefani! What does it say that I'm relieved when your song ends and a "30 Seconds to Mars" video comes on? WHAT DOES THAT SAY, YOU FUCKING MANBITCH?! THOSE GUYS HAVE JARED FUCKING LETO AS THEIR SINGER AND YOU ARE WORSE THAN THEM. AAAAHAHAHHHAHAHAUOPGUY QRGU9 YQ3H OQIFH Q4T08[Y BTQ80B

… See, what I'm trying to say is, I don't like Gwen Stefani.