High School Guidance Counselor

Now, Shawn, I've taken a look at your grades and I think that your 3.98 GPA and ACT score of 29 should be good enough to put you on the waiting list for a shitty state school.  As far as looking at other schools don't even bother, we all know that you're too dependent upon your parents to move out of state and away from your douche bag high school friends.  Also, I noticed that you haven't taken a foreign language yet; I'm recommending all students take at least two years of a foreign language even though no college requires this.  Now, the fact that you were quarterback for our less-than-stellar football team and also the biggest ball hog on the basketball set you up perfectly for getting juiced out of your mind for intramural flag football games and listening to Metallica while lifting weights at the REC.  Congrats, you have a very drunk and stereotypical college experience ahead of you!

 

College Advisor

Come on in, Shawn, I'd be more than happy to take a break from my 8 hours of teaching a week to sit down for your school-mandated yearly check-in with me, that's why I'm here.  From the looks of your transcript you appear to be right on track to graduate in 5 ½ years after taking every gen ed course in the catalog before finally settling on a demanding Communications major.  What's that?  You've recently switched to Ethic Studies?  That's great, regardless of what you major in you'll be moving back home after you graduate anyhow.  The fact that you joined your major's club purely to join in the bar crawl will look outstanding on your resume, as will your work experience waiting tables at your home-town's shitty restaurant during the summer.

 

Boss

Thanks for taking the time out of watching 30 Rock clips on Hulu to sit down for your performance review, Shawn.  I'd just like to start off by saying that if at any point during this meeting I burst out laughing at the miniscule amount of money you make, please don't take it personal.  Now, if it was up to me I would rate you as "Fails to Meet Expectations," but I can't let MY boss know that I do next to nothing to motivate you, so I'm just going to rate you as "Acceptable" for the third straight year and move on.  I've noticed that you've been doing a lot of doodling during our staff meetings; I'm going to take that as a sign that you'd like some more work to do and I'm laying off a member of our department and transferring their work directly to you.  Moving into the 4 Quarter I'd like you to focus on ignoring me sexually harassing my secretary as well as increasing your daily Career Builder searches.  I know I speak for no one in our department in saying that you are truly a replaceable part of the team.   

 

Father-in-Law

Thanks for coming over for dinner, Shawn, I've been looking forward to meeting the piece of shit who thinks he can marry my daughter, the most lovely woman ever to walk the Earth.  Would you like a drink?  If you say yes I'll think you're a raging booze hound but if you say no I'll assume you can't handle your liquor and thus aren't man enough to marry into my family.  So let's get right to it: what are you sexual intentions with my daughter?  She's said nothing but good things about you, which of course I didn't believe.  What line of work are you in?  Regardless of what you said I will tell you that I worked in an auto factory for 35 years and you're an unpatriotic bastard if you don't drive a Ford.