Thanksgiving is coming up, and you know what that means: it's time to break up.Whether you're a freshman who foolishly tried to keep a high school relationship going or you're a senior whose girlfriend suddenly decided she wanted to date someone "mature" and "employed," there's a pretty good chance you're getting dumped this holiday season. Just so you're not caught off guard, here are the emotional stages that you will undoubtably experience.


1. Denial
Immediately, you'll find yourself unable to understand why the relationship can't be salvaged. Well, for one you probably shouldn't have been "finishing up" Xbox Live for 3 hours when she came over those last few times. Whatever you do, don't set your facebook relationship status to "It's complicated". Everyone knows what that means.
How To Cope
Mope, mope, mope! To get the best out of your denial you'll need to torture yourself with as much solitary confinement as possible. How else can you accurately and repeatedly replay the happiest moments of your life when you had a girlfriend?



2. Anger

Eventually all those feelings you still have for your ex will gave way to pure irrational hatred. Phew! You'll be feeling resentful towards her for ever being selfish enough to dump you. I mean, what kind of bitch does that two weeks before your birthday? Bet she hadn't even thought to get you a present.
How To Cope
In this step, it's all about revenge. You know when her class schedule is, sneak into her room and smash stuff. Leave threatening notes. If she has any pets, killing them is a good idea. If possible, maim them instead to such an extent where she'll then have to kill them out of kindness. Double Whammy!



3. Bargaining
Alcohol is the key to getting through stage 3. Start with "accidental" phone calls to her late at night before working up to inviting her somewhere just to hang out. Make sure it's obvious you've cleaned up your act, are getting a new job and will start working out.
How To Cope
 Don't actually do any of those things. Why improve your way of life if she's not going to give a sh*t? She might even take you back if you start living even worse, right? No. That was a trick. Go back to step one.



4. Depression

You've now worked out(ish) that she's probably not going to want you back. You're probably feeling terrible. You're listening to Fall Out Boy without irony for the first time ever. They're not that bad, are they? Don't forget to continue dabbling in the art of drunkenness from stage 3. Practise makes perfect.
How To Cope
Continuing on from bargaining, it's a good idea to live as badly as possible. Underwear and bedsheets keep you as warm as regular clothes, why waste laundry when you can walk around your room wrapped in them like some sort of emperor?



5. Acceptance
Wow! A girl just asked you out! This is it, your ticket to recovery has finally arrived! Oh. She canceled. Well, these things happen. Wait a while, I'm sure someone else will come up. Eventually. Stop crying.
How To Cope
 Start flirting with everyone possible to forge some new connections, before realizing your ex was possibly a one-off and you'll need to lower your standards. Lower your standards slightly, repeat.