Setting: Gryffindor House

Harry: Ronnnnnn.

Ron: Harry Pottttaaa. I've been looking for ya everywhere.
Harry: Sorry Mr. Weasley. I was smoking the fluxweed. They don't call me Potter for nothing
Ron: Nice man. Did I tell you about that muggle I hooked up with last night?
Harry:
Tell me brosef.
Ron:
She was hairier than Hagrid's beard.
Harry: Damn, expeleamus that shit.
Ron: I did man. She was weirder than that Tom Riddle diary.
Harry: But I bet you rode her anyway like a quidditch broom.
Ron:
Yeah man. So bloody what?
Harry:
And I bet you screamed like a mandrake when you woke up.
Ron: You're right about that.
Harry:
It's fine man. We've all hooked up with a babe that looks like Mcgonagall.
Ron:
Oh don't make me vomit.
Harry: That shit reminds me of the time Peter Pettigrew hooked up with Malfoy because he was so drunk he thought he looked like a girl?
Ron:
Yeah mannnn. He has such a gay haircut.
Harry:
Anyway dude, where's the drank?
Ron: Go get yourself a goblet of fire.
Harry: Definitely.
Ron:
And a girl too.
Harry: Yes sir. If there is one thing I chase more than a snitch, it's snatch.

Harry walks to the beer stand and gets himself a goblet of fire. He sees Hermione there.

Harry:
You're looking fine Hermione babe.
Hermione:
You are looking… well rather much like your normal self.
Harry: Hey baby, you're casting a spell on me as we speak.
Hermione:
Could you not be so revolting?
Harry:
I'm not asking for you to touch my magic wand or anything.
Hermione: UGG. You perv.
Harry:
Why don't you come over and drink my love potion. You could use a little.
Hermione:
I'm leaving.
Harry: Good. Muggles aren't welcome here anyway

Harry goes to the keg and drinks some drank out of the goblet. He gets so drunk he can't see who he is dancing with. He dances with a "girl" for an hour. In a daze he leaves the party with her and brings her back to his room.The next morningHarry rolls over the "girl" he brought home from the party

Harry: Hey baby.
Dobby:
Hello sweetheart.
Harry: Oh hell no. NO!
Dobby:
What's wrong?
Harry:
I did not go down your deathly hallows last night did I?
Dobby: Yes it was lovely.
Harry:
Oh bloody hell!