I need you to listen to me very closely. There's isn't much time. My name isn't important, but I'm a federal agent, and I was invited here by Kevin's roommate. You can check with him for clearance later—he's in the kitchen—but for now you're just going to have to trust me.

One hour ago an unidentified student managed to elude your doorman and made his way inside this party. A witness claims she saw a guest giving him a high five: I believed he had an inside man. I followed the suspected traitor into the bathroom, handcuffed him to the sink, and shoved a bath towel down his throat before he confessed that the unidentified student was a friend who was previously deported from the party for vomiting into Kevin's aquarium, and that he had conspired to smuggle him back in by telling the doorman the student was "with him," and that he was "solid."

I have reason to believe this student is capable of an even greater act of destruction than the aquarium defecation. As long as he's free nobody at this party is safe. And you need to know that I will do anything to protect this dorm, and that includes sacrificing everyone here, as well as myself. Do you understand? I SAID DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

At approximately 11:25:44, I made visual contact with the student in the living room. He was dancing in a dangerous, uncoordinated manner to "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" by Meat Loaf—a hard rock musician popular in the late '70s and early '80s. I also noticed the presence of as many as 7 red cups filled with Coors Light on a nearby table, right next to a half-filled bowl of spiked fruit punch and some honey roasted Chex Mix.

Why am I telling you all this? Because I need your help. I know it isn't fair to ask you to take on a responsibility this big. I'm sorry. I really am. But I'm afraid we don't have a choice. If we don't act soon, I'm convinced he will crash into that table, causing a mess of cataclysmic proportions and forcing a mass evacuation of the apartment that will leave dozens of guests with nothing to do on a Friday night. I'm acting against orders here. Kevin wishes to avoid an incident, and has told me to back down. But that's just not an option.

What I need from you is a roll of paper towels and a garbage bag—DON'T THINK! JUST DO IT! NOW! On my mark, you stuff the paper towels into his mouth while I throw the garbage bag over his head. Then we'll take him into the bathroom and get some answers. Ready? One… two…. Hold up—is that "Since U Been Gone" playing? Sick, I love this song! Sorry, I gotta dance this one out….