Going home for Thanksgiving is great. Great, that is, unless your parents moved to a different town as soon as you left for college. But that's okay! You can still enjoy all the great traditions of going home for Thanksgiving…just, in a 'not home' way.

Home Not Home

Head to the local bar, where most of your senior class still congregates over Thanksgiving. Catch up with old friends, drink beers, and exchange looks over John Fibroni's new rattail.

Head to the local bar and fake indignation that no one remembers you from the high school you didn't actually go to. Explain how you dropped out to get a record deal with your Guns N' Roses coverband, 'Rockin' on Heaven's Door.' Get belligerent.

Catch up with an ex for a coffee and turn that coffee into naked coffee.
See a cute girl at the video store and rack your brain for a funny, charming way to ask her out for coffee. Then remember that you rode there on your bike from middle school and leave quietly.

Spend some quality time with your parents before meeting up with your buddies for your annual 'Wham Bam Thank You Yam' party.
Spend some quality time with your parents, then play board games with your parents, then watch your mom's favorite movie ('The Lakehouse') with your parents. Then, just when you thought they were going to bed, get stuck in a two hour conversation about finances with your parents.

Go to the mall with your friends and do some light Christmas shopping, but mostly just loiter outside of Lids and make fun of people.
Go with your mom and her friends to the Black Friday super sale at Sears. Get a really good deal on a new winter coat; realize it's absolutely not worth it during the 2 hour car ride home, which consists mostly of passive aggressive critiques of each others' purchases.

Have a new chemical-based experience with your friends, who have all learned a thing or two during college.
Learn the chemical effects of rubbing acalcium carbonate/denatured alcohol mixture on tarnished sterling silver. Consider stabbing yourself with a newly shined dinner fork.


Visit with your best friend's parents and fondly remember old times. Threaten to beat up his dad; get a little scared as you always do when he jokingly draws back his fist.

Look through your old yearbooks and drunkenly debate whether or not to call your high school best friend, who now manages a car dealership in your home town and has two kids. Watch Jumanji on VHS instead.

Make plans with the 'Tight Ten' (aka you and your nine best friends who named yourselves the 'Tight Ten' in 5th grade and can't bear to give up) for Christmas break.

Promise 'Sailor Bill', the lazily nicknamed old sailor who owns the bar downtown that you and him will go bar-hopping over Christmas. Fail to realize that you can't go bar-hopping when there is only one bar. Cry.

Convince your parents to let you throw your first house party with alcohol. Take full advantage of the party's proximity of your bedroom.

Convince your parents to drink with you. Regret this small victory immediately when, after one screwdriver, your mom starts dancing sexy while your dad tries to not have a boner.