The High School Teacher
You're fresh off the plane, train or automobile and this is the first person you see— an old high school teacher. Oh god. He's just out of your social age range but you still have to call him Mr. Daniels, and no, you're not going call him K-Slice. The guy who busted you for smoking behind the dumpster looks like he just crawled out of one and he's looking for friendship. NO, you don't want any part of the Thanksgiving Potluck he's throwing in his one bedroom apartment.







The Old Best Friend
You guys promised to keep in touch with one another, but as soon as you threw your cap in the air you never spoke to him again. Your inevitable meeting is going to be awkward; and that gay thing that happened that one summer isn't just going to go away. You'll most likely bump in to this guy at the movies or at a place like The Olive Garden. Both times you'll be with your family and both times you'll have to fend off an accusatory line of questioning from you mother asking, "What happened to you two?" You'd like to respond by saying that he joined some lame frat and still dates that intolerable hose-beast Gloria from the Pizza Hut. Instead you just introspectively say that you grew apart. Now please pass the garlic bread.




The Screw-Up
He's transferred to three different schools and now he's in a "transition period." Translation: he got kicked out of the dorms for smoking weed and now he works at Blockbuster. He sells drugs to his younger brother's friends and goes to high school parties. Currently, he's training to be a police officer in your home town, hence the karate lessons. What is certain is that he is going to continue to be a total dick. He'll be a symbol of douche-ology for the rest of his life, just like his "righteous" tribal tat.






The Freshman 15 Victim
It's going to be the freshman 25 if she doesn't stop eating peanut butter and pickles. All that junk food seems to be going right to her stomach. At least she stopped smoking and drinking. All that booze can really pack on the pounds, especially for girls. She does seem to cry a lot more than she used to, and yesterday morning she was throwing up in the bathroom. Weird.







The Intellectual
His cardigan looks like your grandpa's sweater that shrunk in the wash. The last time you saw that much tweed this side of the Atlantic was when you watched four hours of masterpiece theater on that sick day. He created his own major: Forensic Zoology. He's a lot more worldly since he started taking Intro to Philosophy pass/fail. Last time you saw him his vision seemed fine and you wonder why he's wearing glasses now. Oh wait. You forgot. American Apparel sells glasses without prescription lenses. That makes sense. This guy is just pretentious enough for you to hate, but not enough of an ass for him to be universally despised by all your friends; and that makes you hate him even more.






The Golden Couple
As soon as they went out on that first date freshman year of high school, you knew they were going to be together forever. Well, they still are. Congratulations Golden Couple, at the age of 19 you have committed the rest of your lives to each other. You've only met 500 people in your whole life, but somehow you're sure you've found the one. In actuality, you're happy for them; they wake up everyday next to the person that makes them whole. Precious. Unfortunately for them you have a rep to maintain so you have to set aside how you really feel and replace it with snarky comments about how they are ALWAYS together.






The Dead Kid
At some point while hanging out with your friends at the bar, you'll casually shout, "Where's that fat f*ck Adam Weiner? He was so weird!" Clearly you haven't been doing enough Facebook stalking because that kid died during orientation week and now everyone thinks you're a tremendously insensitive jerk. That's ok though. You'll go back to school on Sunday and you won't have to see these people again until Christmas, which is like forever away.