Cell phones were silenced, salsa and chips were placed on the coffee table, and everyone in the room was told to shut the fuck up. Why? Because Lost is back, baby!

Poor, evil, maniacal Ben has been bleeding for three months (in our time) through a small incision in his kidney, leaving him to die unless Kate and Sawyer were brought to safety.

Here’s what went down this week, in a cyber nutshell:

Kate and Sawyer escape from their cages. They kick the crap out of two “Others,” in a violent yet totally sexy way, as only Kate and Sawyer can.
They bump into Alex (the hot 16-year-old who looks like a hot 25-year-old) who helps them get a boat only after they help rescue her boyfriend, Carl, who is being held in some sort of brain-numbing over-stimulation chamber.
Jack tries to play his “I can let Ben die” card. But he finally fixes him when Juliet asks him to, promising that she will help Kate and Sawyer, which she does.

Here’s what we learn:

1. Watching Lost is better than doing anything else with your time, like homework, or sleeping.

Alex is Ben’s daughter.  Huh? How? Do they mean like an adopted daughter? Or did Ben and the French chick do the wild thing and make a baby? But Frenchy said that she traveled to the island with her husband who died there; Ben claims he was born on the island. Damn you, Lost, and your never-ending questions!

3. Sawyer’s wisecracks are fucking awesome. I swear this shit never gets old. A girl who hides us underground? Let’s call her “Underdog!” A kid who’s so stoned on TV images that he can’t talk? Let’s call him “Cheech!” O, Sawyer! What adorable nickname will you call me when my dreams come true and I let you make love to me in all your sweaty glory? I can’t wait to find out!

4. We learn about Juliet’s past. She wasn’t born on the island. She was brought into the Dharma initiative under shady circumstances. And, she has a sister whom she helped get preggos through some crazy experiment.

5.  ABC is pushing it. Listen, Lost Producer People, I’ve been pretty forgiving with the whole “suspension of disbelief” thing. I’ll believe that a polar bear lives on a tropical island. I’ll buy it that a little black kid can tell the future and summon animals with his mind. Hell, I’ll even believe that Kate’s legs stay smoothly shaven when she hasn’t seen a Bic in weeks. But, DON’T PUSH IT, people. A walkie-talkie being shot out of her hand with no injury to her?? And, even more shocking, an ugly, short, balding, evil doctor who lands two hot chicks (Juliet and the hot research assistant)?!? I don’t think so, Lost! We’re all on board with your stretching of reality. But, let’s not be assholes!

I will, however, forgive. Because I LOVE YOU, LOST, See you next week!