It's been an entire week since your last confession and there's been a lot of good, solid sinning going on across the country. Check out the top 5 and don't forget to submit your misdeeds to our submission page!
Mark Guajardo, UTB
My gross roommate never takes care of any of the chores. I don't mind cleaning up after all her parties and her meals especially when I get the mail, keeping the cards her mommy sends with cash and gift cards in them and then throwing out the overdue payment notices for her credit card. Have fun avoiding creditors and paying off your accumulating debt! I had fun shopping with your gift cards and cash!
Ellen R, University of Missouri
Do you remember that one time I had the swine flu? Do you remember how I specifically told you I had the swine flu and was compelled CDC regulations to stay home? Do you remember how you woke me up anyway at 8am on a Saturday and kicked me out of the room so you could have a girl over (IN THE MORNING? Who does that?!). Do you remember how you decided and hour wasn't long enough, and you needed extra time so the two of you could watch "Cars" while I was sleeping on a couch in the library and praying for death? And did you ever wonder why you started feeling oh so sick after that weekend? I coughed on your pillow, sheets, and toothbrush while you were in class. Enjoy the swine flu you son of a bitch.
Malcolm T., University of Texas at Austin
During a two day stint in the library to finish a research paper, my roommates thought it would be hilarious to "relocate my room" to the attic. I came home 15 minutes before my paper was due to find that they had literally moved everything in my room to the attic, and set it up exactly like it had been downstairs. They even took out an add in the school paper advertising my now empty room. In response, I ordered several hundred free boxes from the USPS, and the next time my roommate went to the bars I assembled the boxes and filled every one of them with small contents from my roommates room
including the condoms he desperately needed upon arriving home with a female at 2:30 in the morning.
Miguel Santos, Texas A&M
One night while we were all drunk, I had sex with your boyfriend. That's what you get for constantly talking shit about me and for thinking you were better.
So it's bad enough that you and your girlfriend fool around in the other room while I am sleeping, and that you make food soaked in garlic and onions that stinks up the whole apartment. Do you really have to lay in bed every minute of the day you don't have class? Your girlfriend lives across campus, but instead of going to visit with her, you just IM her. Sorry I had sex on your bed one weekend you were home, and that I accidentally peed on your Mets sheets one night when I got wasted. But next time, check to make sure I'm actually asleep before you fingerblast your ugly girlfriend at the dining room table.
Shawn Leighton, Monmouth
Last year I thought I had the best roommate of all time. He would always bring food, booze, and let me play his videogames. He seemed like a nice guy. All my friends accepted him, and we started to really get along. Then near the end of the fall semester I started to notice something off. I'm not lying, I woke up one night at like 2 in the morning and saw that he was in the living room, naked, rubbing his junk all over the furniture. I was so embarrassed that I didn't even know what to say, so I just went back to sleep, and he never knew I saw him. I thought it might be a one time thing. Maybe he was sleep walking? Then another night, I woke up again at around the same time as before, walked out and saw that he was again naked, rubbing his stuff all over the furniture. I woke myself up every night at 2 in the morning, crept out, and saw him rubbing his junk on the furniture. He did this for 2 weeks in a row and I never said anything out of embarrassment. Then one night, I crept out to see him naked as usual, only this time he was rubbing his junk all over our food. Our food god dammit! I couldn't let this go so I shouted "Hey what the hell are you doing" and he got so freaked out that he started to cry. He said that he has some kind of problem, something about OCD. He then said he's been rubbing his junk over everything in the apartment since the beginning of the school year. My clothes, my books, my bed, he even said he almost t-bagged me once when I was sleeping. Obviously I moved out, and never saw the guy again. Hope he's a lot better now and not rubbing his balls over everything.
Shahan Khiilji, Univeristy of Wisconsin Milwaukee
Up until recently, I was an RA living with another RA as my roommate. The year was going fine and we got along really welluntil I finally relented to peer pressure and went to an off-campus party with a few other RAs. I had a few beers and headed to my gf's place that night. The next morning, during my roommate's bi-monthly 1 on 1 meeting with our boss, he let slip that a) I was drinking at a party the night before, b) I was underage and c) he was quitting. Just hours after I got out of the meeting where I was fired with no questions asked, I took the opportunity to introduce his toothbrush to my asshole. Hopefully a massive e coli infection will make him think twice before he tattles like a little bitch.
Brett M, CWU
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