Adam Ruins Everything
Jake and Amir
Top 5 Worst Gifts You Got
January 6, 2010
This would be totally different and appreciated if it were, say, the 1800s. If it were still acceptable to give oranges as a special stocking stuffer. But you see, aunt Joan, there are legitimate stores that sell products that I can actually use. Made with love? Maybe not as much. But functional and less sad? Always.
This is most always the result of poor Secret Santa management. When it doubt, buying a candle is your way out of getting a real gift for "John C. in accounting." It's essentially more thoughtless than a Visa gift card, because at least you could make the choice to buy a candle or
with that money. Of course I've given candles when in the Secret Santa predicament I just blow the dust off of that "Holiday Apple Cinnamon Fir Tree Gingerbread Medley" candle I got last year and throw it in a bag. Merry Christmas, John C. in accounting.
Grandmas try really hard. And that should never be under-appreciated or taken for granted. But really? Not even a CD? There are only specific, especially nostalgic times when we, in the privacy of our own homes, reflect on our musical taste of the late 90s. Opening up a tape of Limp Bizkit on Christmas morning when you already feel like a kid again (and not in a good way) salts the wounds of adolescence.
What dumps salt in your awkward memories as if they were the slick highways your god-forsaken relatives used to get to your house? Receiving underwear from any of the above: Limited Too, Hot Topic, or the flowery 3-packs from Target. Any of your family members seeing underwear and thinking of you is bad news bears, but actually opening gift-wrapped Napoleon Dynamite tighty-whities gives you flashbacks to watching scrambled porn at sleepovers and the Entangled Braces Crisis of '99. Your uncle should understand. It's like 'Nam.
Okay, really? You were faced with the same gift dilemma as everyone else, and instead of buying a candle, you just
to look so noble and better than the rest of us by "doing something charitable." How come this family in Africa got the cow?
would've been a kickass present to open. You probably just created this "official certificate" in Microsoft Word and printed it out this morning when you realized you were supposed to get me something. Which, honestly, isn't a bad idea for aunt Joan next year
We like you. Do you like us too?
Don't ask me again.