Rahm Emanuel: Mr. President, I'm afraid we have a pretty big problem on our hands.

Barack Obama: Oh no, what is it? People didn't find out I was born in Yemen did they?

Emanuel: No, it's about—wait, what?

Obama: What? No, I didn't say anything. What were you talking about?

Emanuel: Oh…anyway, it's the health care bill. We seem to have run into some more unexpected opposition.

Obama: Ugh, well that's just great. Who is it this time? Republicans? Democrats? Yemenis? Because I've got no pull with the Yemenis, it's not like I was born there or anything.

Emanuel: No, sir, none of those people. The critic identifies himself only as "HonkerBoner69." He's a commenter on The Huffington Post. Does a little work on YouTube and Digg as well.

Obama: HonkerBoner69, eh? Well, what are his problems with the bill?

Emanuel: He referred to it as, quote, "gay as shit" in his latest comment.

Obama: No! That's horrible!

Emanuel: Unfortunately, sir, it doesn't end there. In previous comments, he's criticized the bill as being "ubergay," "the gayest piece of crap ever," and "zoshulist bullshit."

Obama: Zoshulist?

Emanuel: We believe he meant "socialist," but we have dispatched teams of C.I.A. agents into countries across the world to see if any of them are run by zoshulist regimes. He also seems to be obsessed with proving that The Simpsons already did an episode about health care, so we've really just been copying them this whole time.

Obama: Oh man, that would really hurt my status with 13-year-old boys. Well, look, there's gotta be something we can offer this guy. What do we know about him?

Emanuel: Well, he's an Internet commenter, so we know nothing about his age, race, religion…everything really. But we can assume this: he is among the most powerful political figures the world has ever seen.

Obama: That's what I was afraid of.

Emanuel: Also, he probably watched Doug when he was younger.

Obama: How do you figure?

Emanuel: Well, the place the kids in that show always ate at was called "Honker Burger." "HonkerBoner" thus appears to be a slight distortion on the name of that fictional eatery, likely intended as some sort of perverse tribute to it.

Obama: Oh, right! Ha, that's actually pretty clever, especially with the way he added 69 to it. Too bad this guy's not on our side, right?

Emanuel: Err, yes, too bad. Now, how would you like to deal with this, sir?

Obama: Hmm…

(Obama picks up the phone to call Harry Reid)

Obama: Hello, Harry? How's it going? Great. Listen, do you think you could add anything to the healthcare bill about Honker Burgers?