The Year 1971:
Two computer scientists, Ray and Vern, sit at two giant proto-computers set at opposite ends of the room.
Ray: Now sending data packet to remote station two.
Vern: Data received.
Both scientists look up at each other.
Ray: We did it. We sent a file from one networked machine to another.
Vern: We've invented electronic mail, Ray! We're going to revolutionize the way people communicate!
Ray: Our names will be remembered forever.
Vern: You're right about-oh, hey, I've got mail. What'd you send me?
Ray: Just read it.
Vern: Second email ever, right? Let's see what we got here
it's asking if I'm satisfied with the size of my penis.
Vern: Why did you send this? Why would you send me an email saying my penis is too small?
Ray: So you think it's too small?
Vern: That's not funny, Ray! These are the first emails ever; people are going to remember this stuff! Now in the future there's going to be a museum exhibit about how small my dick is!
I'm sorry, Vern. I don't know what came over me.
Vern: Look, let's just forget about it, okay? We invented email. It's a great day.
Ray: Damn right it is. By the way, I sent you those photos you asked for.
Vern: Well, thanks. I don't remember asking for any photos, but oh my god, what the hell is this?
Ray: It's a virus.
Vern: Why? Why are you doing this?
Ray: Uh, maybe because it's funny? Don't be such a n00b, Vern.
Vern: Don't- what? We're both newbies! We invented email five minutes ago!
Ray: Sorry, I'm sorry. Listen, let's put all this behind us. Here, check out these hot XXX sluts I'm sending you.
Vern: I will check out these hot XXX sluts, but it's only for research.
Ray: Nice, huh?
Vern: Well, yes. Two girls, wow. What are they doing with that cup of oh god oh fuck you, Ray. Fuck. You.
Vern gets up to leave.
Vern: We had a beautiful thing here, Ray. A beautiful thing that you destroyed.
Ray: Destroyed? My poor Vern. This is only the beginning. You think you can escape this by leaving the room? This is going to be everywhere. Everywhere! There's no escape! LOL!
Vern: Did you-sorry, did you just say "LOL"?
Ray: LOL! LOL!
Vern leaves. Ray continues to shout "LOL" maniacally.
The Year 2015:
A grandfather finishes putting a small child to bed.
and that's the story of how e-mail was invented, and how five thousand years of language was reduced to a cheap slurry of half-formed sentences, pornography, and arbitrary aggression. Sleep tight, fucker.
Child: Fuck you too, grandpa.
Grandfather smiles warmly.
Grandfather: Die of AIDS.