Listen up Hiroshima cause I am about to drop a bombshell of truth upon you, "Avatar" sucks. Yes, I have not been this sexually satisfied since my senior year ofhigh school when I got a "mexican halloween" behind the Winn Dixie. Cause I really had no serious expectations when I first saw a glimpse of this shit parade.

James Cameron has been waiting at least a decade to go ahead and give us the Cleavland steamer of "Avatar" And who am I to judge? I am just a dude who goes to see movies, an average Joe who thinks that if he shells out at least twelve bucks for a movie he should be getting a damn good show. And "Avatar" is about as disappointing as my first blowjob. Write it down, etch it in stone, scratch in your arm you emo fucks, "Avatar" can kiss the darkest part of my ass.

Now don't get me wrong, I loved "Aliens", it was like a handjob from God. "Terminator 2" my God, I remember when I saw that when I was eight and thought "If there was a God, I am staring at it" when watching on the silver screen plastered with Arnold Schwarzenegger's face. The T-1000 getting blasted in the face with a shotgun was as beautiful as staring in to the stars that somehow resemble the little freckles on Morgan Freemans face. And I know I am going to get a monumental amount of flack for this, but yes, "Titanic" was a great piece of film making. It deserved as much hype and recognition that it did.


And "True Lies", lie to me and tell me that that movie is not a movie drenched in awesome, smothered in kickass and marinated in tits. I mean when a scene involves a dude getting caught on a missile and being blasted into a building, who in the hell would see that and say "No, not at all does that give me some sort of a visceral boner" then I must ask about everything that makes you a human being. James Cameron seriously knows how to make a movie, and with the amount of money a studio shits out to give him, he delivers about ninety eight percent of the time.

And "Avatar" I am sorry to say, is something that doesn't live up to the hype. I mean sure, the visuals are amazing. It's something that we haven't seen ever on screen, but at some point when do you sit through a movie and say  like "ok we have seen a smurf ride a God Damned pterodactyl now when in the hell are we able to get a fucking story arch or character development?" if you haven't seen the movie, you will be spoiled with spoilers and I am guessing, you are reading this you have already seen the movie or don't give a fifth of a shit about seeing the movie.

The first thing that has perturbed me is the aspect of the whole movie, now the reason the marines are on this planet of "Pandora" is because they are wanting to grab this mineral that is worth over, as giant jowls Giovanni Ribisi says, "twenty million a kilo". Which, the only way to get this is to drive out the native people called the "Na'vi" and grab the mineral. Now, what does the mineral do you might ask? Fuck if I know. And that is what pisses me off.

If there was a moment in the movie where someone was like "listen, the reason it is so important is because it gives out a potent pheromone which attracts women to come in and give you constant blow jobs" then that would allow me to understand the importance of this mineral. But alas, baby birds we are never privy to the importance of this "save the world mineral"

Secondly, the time at which this story takes place is 2154, now, at this point in time I think that there has been extraordinary advances in science which I believe allows the military first grabs with the breakthroughs with scientific technology. And don't you think that if there was a mineral on a distant planet in the far distant future, there was a way to DRILL underneath the ground in order to get this mineral. Like, oh say, when there were fucking COAL miners. I don't know about you but…..that would be a lot more civil than performing a "scorched earth" policy with the natives.

Going on with this tangent about technology, the giant ass transformers that these dudes ride in the movie are fucking bullshit. Since technology has been upgraded to monumental levels and they are able to transport a human body into an Avatar they want giant ass fucking robots to carry around machine guns and carry knives. Sweet zombie Jesus! I would have figured scientists would at least advance in robotics technology in some sort of way where gun would be apart of their arms instead of them carrying them around like they are carrying their robotic dicks in their hands. In Japan they have robots that are incredibly lifelike, transparent toasters and underwear vending machines but we still haven't gotten to the point to where robots have blades and machine guns for hands. Call me Abe Lincoln and shoot me in the head.

Small things that have peeved me in this movie? Yes and don't think that the visuals in the movie made up for the lack of story in what basically was "Dances With Wolves" in space. Spectacle over substance, that's what it was and I didn't buy into the bullshit. Don't mess with me cause I am a man with one thing I love to see in movies, emotionally unstable robots who have blades for hands and machine guns for dicks. Its just wishful thinking.