If you are anything like me you are jealous of blind people. They have the one thing every college aged guy or girl wishes they could have: a helper animal. Ever since seeing The Simpson episode where Homer gets a helper monkey or the less funny Malcolm in the Middle where that fat guy gets a helper monkey I have always wanted a little spider monkey that I could train to get food for me or go on adventures with. Well I'm in college now and decided to do some reasearch and it turns out that helper animals are actually pretty terrible. Here are some of the helpers I looked into and found them to be not so helpful:

1. A Falcon: In the middle ages boys who were approaching manhood would be given a pet falcon and an arm shield. They would train day and night with their falcon by putting food out and trying to get the falcon to stay on their arm while they ate it. The day that the boy could get the falcon to stay on his arm in front of his father was the day he truely became a man. Now when I first heard this story in middle school I thought one thing: sign me the fuck up for this. This sounds awesome! A falcoln that will eventually do whatever you ask it to! Can it get me the remote if i dont want to walk and get it? Well it turns out falcons are actually really dangerous. The whole reason you had to wear an arm sheild was because the talons of a falcon are so strong they can rip through flesh into bone. So having one casually helping you during the day would most likely result in a lot of injury and dead friends



2. Robot: Now since birth practically we have been taught that we should both fear and love robot-kind. From those weird squid robots in The Matrix to the loveable Wall-E have been constantly shown some robots are evil but most are good. I mean the robot really seems like the ideal helper. They have no emotions, they are built to serve, and if they get too chatty just unplug them. Well anyone who ever owned a Furby or Pocket Pikachu growing up can tell you trying to teach a robot is nearly fucking impossible. They think in 1's and 0's so the likelyhood of them understanding you when you ask it to go fetch you a Keystone from the fridge is close to none. Also in Japan they just revealed a sex robot that has 5 different personalities. The days of Skynet are fast approaching so its probably not a good idea to have one of them around you when they begin to revolt


3. A Really Hot Girl Who Feels Sorry For You: Okay so this is not a helper animal per se but it is a helper so it goes in the category. Also anyone reading this knows exactly who I am talking about. These are the kinds of ultra attractive ultra unobtainable girls who only help those with severe needs. The upsides to this are obvious but the downside is that in order to merit such a hottie you would have to be incredibly disabled or impaired and at that point you would probably not want to be reminded of what you couldnt have. Those boobs are just reminders of what you will never have in your new existance.


4. Monkey: So we have reached the ultimate "helper" animal or have we? Well it turns out that these friendly little Georges can actually really hurt you once they reach a certain age. You see monkeys are super cute and fun until they start sexually maturing at which point they just want to bang everything they see. Oh and also monkeys are fucking strong as hell. In the state I live in a lady let her monkey loose while it was in this stage and it ripped her friends face completely off and it took multiple rounds for the police to finally kill it. So unless you want to be known for the rest of your life as that douche whose monkey ruined _______'s face you probably should avoid the big monkeys. Small monkeys are another thing. Most spider monkeys poop all the time and find it hillarious (i mean it is kind of funny) to throw it at anyone they see. Now since theyre so little their poop is like like size of a raisin but still annoying none the less. Also I dont know if youve seen the movie Outbreak but a spider monkey infected the shit out of the people in that town and then Dustin Hoffman was all like "Oh Morgan Freeman you are not gonna blow up this town!" Its a really cool movie. So how about instead of a spider monkey you just watch that movie and get the remote yourself.