In a recent study, Scientists have found a surprisingly strong correlation between the new security worries of plane flight bombers since the attempted Christmas Day bombing and the stomach turning dread typically experienced by America's college students known as "Dick paranoia."
We went to The Ohio State University, where the term "Dick paranoia" originated from senior in economics Justin Young to get an in depth understanding of the new slang term and just how our airlines are being affected by it today.
"You know when you meet some sexy sloop at a bar and at the time, with all of the shots you've taken, it seems like the best idea in the world to bring the generic, orange colored, bottle blonde, sorority slut, 7-out-of-10 home with you?" Asks "Dick paranoia" term creator Young.
"Maybe you don't even wrap it up right away, you know, to see how it feels," Young continues.
"Then, the next day, and the next week, and maybe the next month you need to keep checking your dick every couple of minutes to make sure that nothing is growing on it. Every time you pee you worry that it's going to burn. And you start worrying that maybe you're tired all of the time, not because you smoke weed every day, but because your dick is slowly going to kill you." Young said.
"Well, this is what is known as "Dick paranoia" and the airlines of America have been suffering badly from it ever since the Christmas Day bomber failed to blow his useless, tiny dick off.
Two of the most recent occurrences of "Airline Dick paranoia" occurred in recent weeks.
"We were sure that suicide bombers planned to kill us all as a way of validating their pointless, sexless lives, but it turned out to just be an Orthodox Jewish guy doing some obtuse prayer with a black box strapped to his head (//news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/8472937.stm) and a drunk low life trying to get the attention his mother obviously never gave him (//www.denverpost.com/news/ci_14260646),"Airline pilot James Dodd said.
"Practicing your religious faith and drinking heavily are two things that should always be done alone," Dodd asserted.
When called at 1:00 am by the airlines on a Tuesday night, friends have repeatedly tried to calm the airlines "Dick paranoia" fears by assuring them that they've been practicing really safe flight ever since Christmas. They've made sure to scan all of the potential passengers for potential risks to health and safety, that "if nothing has shown up that looks as gross as a terrorist yet then it's probably okay," and that "chances of you getting the one flight with a terrorist intelligent enough to successfully blow up the plane after having been trained in a hut somewhere in Yemen (the "Dick paranoia" equivalent of HIV) is incredibly unlikely."
As of press time, the airlines fears had yet to be alleviated as airlines continue to cope with their "dick paranoia" by being rude to passengers and by confiscating all liquids.