Welcome to Staying Sharp With Colin Sharp, a column focused on helping you improve your life. What better way to help you out than to provide you with expert tips on a bevy of subjects. Let us begin with one of the most basic ways to better yourself: becoming a gentleman. Read up, and hopefully you too can one day be as classy as I am.
- Smoke Fine Cigars. As an easy step for anyone wishing to pursue gentlemanly endeavours, a cigar speaks volumes about your character; specifically, about how your character is that of a bad-ass gentleman. Clearly a Cuban cigar is what you should be smoking. The only exception is if you are in the United States, as Cuban cigars are illegal thanks to a trade embargo with Cuba. Gentlemen don't break the law. Unless breaking the law will enable you to pay less taxes. In this scenario, one is strongly encouraged to circumvent the law of the land.
- Purchase a monocle. One can never expect to be taken seriously without a fine monocle. Just make sure it does not utilize any garish patterns, as the consequences may be dire. It is well known that Alan Greenspan wore a Zubaz monocle to a 1990 meeting with Margaret Thatcher. President George H.W. Bush punished him by making him polish all the balls at the White House bowling alley. Don't make Alan's mistake, and stick to a classic black-matte finish.
- Go yachting. A yacht carries a certain dignity that a mere "boat" could never hope to possess. Now you might be thinking to yourself, "but Colin, a yacht is very expensive." I agree. shelling out some extra scrilla for a cigar or a monocle is an understandable sacrifice, but a yacht is a sizeable investment. Luckily, you don't have to actually own a yacht to go yachting. Just pull a Tracy Jordan and use one for the afternoon in order to impress the staff of TGS and convince Liz Lemon that you won't destroy her show.
- Master a single skill. I really mean it when I use the word master. It is rumoured that during his presidential run, Al Gore practised shooting a basketball from the free-throw line while lying down. Now you don't have to be a fucking idiot about it like he was, but find a skill and make sure you are the best in the room at it. Just try to make it something that can be done without being in a specific room. And without needing an uncommon supply. And without having to get your suit dirty from lying on the ground. That guy is such a douche.
- Hold a lot of doors open. It is common knowledge amongst gentlemen that holding a door open for a woman is one of the most powerful aphrodisiacs in the known world. In fact, the only reason that Seal gets to bang Heidi Klum on a consistent basis is that he is one of the most talented door-holders in the world. When they first met, he held a revolving door open for her. She was immediately smitten.
There you are, men: five tips to guide you on your journey towards being a gentleman. If all of this has been a little too complex for you, all these tips can be simplified into one master tip. Think of what Charlie Sheen would do in any given situation, and do the complete opposite.