You arrived at college this Fall fresh faced and eager to learn, experience, party. Eager to shed the image of your awkward high school self. And you did, but in the process you accidentally became a douche bag. Well, there's hope for you yet. Here are some guidelines to re-reinventing yourself for the second semester.

Your Goatee: It's awkward, it's wispy. It's terrible. You want to look smart and sophisticated right? What's more sophisticated than a sensei? You don't have to shave, just grow your goatee super long. You're gonna look sage as sh*t.

Your Fedora: Big Bad Voodoo Daddy called, they said they want their career back. They also mentioned your fedora is out of style. Don't lose the hat all together though, you just want less of it. See if you can cut it into a fez or something. A nice, icebreaking accessory.

Your nickname: Suck it up, Champ. No one is calling you champ this year. You tried, and no one went for it. You know why? Because you only tried. It's time to DO. Tattoo your name on your knuckles, if it's too long, just make it into a contraction, people will get it. Especially if you punch them in the face.

Your Ukulele: Not only is it incredibly cliche, you also really suck at it. So stop playing it on the quad. Why not go with something more unique? I encourage you to stay in the Hawaiian theme, try the Hawaiian Nose Flute. Chicks go nuts for that shit.

Your Mesh Shorts: Did you make the basketball team? No? Oh, wow, you didn't even try out? I know, everyone knows. The most athletic thing you've done this year is climb on top of your roommates desk chair to hide your family sized bottle Jergens hand lotion. Get real, what you need is MESH PANTS. If enough people can get behind this cause we can BRING THEM BACK.


Caldwell, I am forever in your debt.