With the recent release of Jersey Shore, the hit MTV realityseries following several aspiring role models from the Jersey shore, scientistsand doctors have become concerned with the toxicity and effect of the fumesbeing emitted from the shore. These fumes are a direct result of the excessamounts of: hair gel, hairspray, axe body spray, tan spray, perfume, andcologne.

Not only havescientists found that these fumes emitting from the locals are tearing a hugehole in the ozone but are also having medical effects on certain individuals.Scientists performed an experiment with 20 tourists and sent them into theJersey Shore area for a span of 24 hours. All 20 were found were respiratorycancer, and completely un-related post traumatic stress from douchebagery andchronic fist pumping disorder. However when scientists tested the locals theresults varied. The locals seemed to have developed immunity to the fumes. Wheninterviewed the locals attribute the immunity to their "fucking sweet ashair-cut," getting their "swell on" at the gymnasium. One specificinterview cited a local stating "Look at these fucking sweet abs, does itlook like I have time to get sick with these abs? Fuck no. All I got time for isgrinding on pussy and bottle service."

However the scientists have concluded that the fumes and gels are leakingthrough the locals, skin, and seeping into their brains, lowering their IQ. Adirect side effect of this loss of intelligence is caveman antics such as"fist-pumping".

Scientists also report that eventually all of the Jersey Shore locals willdevelop brain tumours and die.

-Matt Topic