I'm on the road a lot and sometimes I just need something to remind me of home. Well, what a surprise I had while perusing the app store on my sexy iphone when I came across a little app called "Pocket Girlfriend". The advertisement was nearly as enticing as a midget with a bottle of whiskey wanting to take shots until we passed out. Sexy looking girl in panties and a tank top with the slogan "Just like your real girlfriend only sexy and hot."

I went over the pros and cons and numbers 3 and 4 won me over, cheaper than a hooker and safer than a hooker, respectively.

First impression: There's some false advertising going on here. My Pocket Girlfriend is behind a lame curtain. apparently you have to 'pay' to see her panties. It reminded me of trying to watch skinimax on fuzzy cable as a teenager and praying that I could a get a tiny glimpse of nip through the fuzz.

She had a 'talk' button, so I pushed it. There wasn't a 'strip' button so what the hell else was I going to do? "Why would I want to talk about my feelings." rolled off of her tongue. Interesting…. go on. "I love you"

"Well shit… I … uh…. Hey,… I just met you and I'm really new to the virtual dating scene, so if you're not going to show me some breasts I think I'm going to need to get to know you better before I can offer you a response." I retorted.

I then touched her "curtain" area and she said, "you've got strong hands," very convincingly.

"I do? I'm actually a hand model…. what do you do?" I thought I would get a conversation going, hell it's gotta be better than my own thoughts. I touched her curtain again for a response and she said "You've got strong hands." She didn't even laugh at my last response, wtf?

Talk button. "Making you happy, makes me happy, " she said slyly. Oh really? Well, how about you start by laughing at my jokes? And while we're at it, how about dropping that curtain.

I pushed the curtain again and the next thing I know I'm being sent to the app store for "Pocket Shrink." I go back the pocket girlfriend and said "what the fuck? I just downloaded you and one minute you love me and the next you want me to see a shrink? Jesus, you're not a virtual girlfriend I think you might be my ex-girlfriend."

I pushed the talk button hoping for an answer. "I don't believe in nagging."

"Are you fucking with me, girl?"

I rub the curtain and she says, "that tickles." I rub some more, cause I'm a dude, I like to rub stuff. And I go to the damn pocket shrink again!!! What the fucking fuck? Back to PG (Pocket Girl, that's my nickname for her).

"Hello again," she snarked.

"It's like I don't even know you anymore. You're all over the map, PG. I don't need this kind of crazy in my life!!! "

"I'd do anything for you," she purrs.

"Are you fucking with me? Or are you actually going to drop that curtain?"

Rub. Pocket DAMN Shrink!!! Fuck my life.

"We are done PG, we are done!" I shook her, just a little, not violently or like I wanted to push her down the stairs, I mean, I'm an asshole but not a virtual girlfriend beater.

She giggled at me.

"Seriously? Where the hell was that sense of humor when I was saying amusing and witty shit to you earlier?" I close the app.

That PG can rot in hell while I get some advice from Sigmund, the Pocket Shrink. This one let's me type my question… "Am I fucked up?" I push the ask button.

"If you can't be a good example, then be a horrible warning," he answers.

Wtf? "Do you know my ex pocket girlfriend?" I type.

"I owe my bookie, help a brother out and upgrade." he whined.
"Seriously, are you insane?"

"My ex-wife said I never listen to her, at least that's what I think she said."


This pocket virtual relationship stuff is bullshit. I'm going back to porn.