You haven’t eaten in weeks. Your clothes are wrinkled and your hair is greasy. You’re sad. No, depressed. You’ve spent hours watching old videos. But it’s not the same as when you were together. You’re lonely. Sometimes, you have dreams that you’re together again, but when you wake up, it’s just you. Something’s missing from your life. It’s been missing for months. And just when you can’t take a single day more by yourself, just when you’re ready to give up, that special something that you’ve been missing walks back into your life, and suddenly, you are complete again.

That’s right: LOST IS BACK!

It’s the final season, and if you’re a real fan, you had to clean your pants before you turned on your TV because you peed from all of the excitement.

Here’s what went down this week, in a piece of lost baggage:

 

After the white flash, there now seem to be two dimensions existing (unaware of each other, for now). Yes, our gang in 1977 was hurled back to the future (or present), but now, there’s 2 of everyone. In one dimension, everyone’s back on Flight 815 (as strangers) in 2004, and it never crashes. It lands safely in LA and we see everyone’s lives continue. Jack saves Charlie’s life on the plane, then Jack meets Locke in the lost baggage area. Kate escapes the marshal and commandeers a cab with Claire in it.

 

In the other dimension, everyone’s in the present (in 2007 probably), on the island. Juliet is still alive under the rubble, but then she dies in Sawyer’s arms. A dead Jacob tells Hurley to save Sayid by taking him to the temple. There, Hurley, Jack, Kate, Jin (and eventually Sawyer) meet some weird hippy-looking Other Others (including the stewardess and the kids from the plane) who try to save Sayid by drowning him. They kill him, then he rises from the dead. Hurley tells them that Jacob is dead and they spring into action to keep the smoke monster (ie. The Man in Black, who currently look like Locke) out. Meanwhile, in that same dimension, the Man in Black has just had Ben kill Jacob. Richard shows Ben Locke’s body and then the Man in Black has a confrontation in the temple with “the Good Guys,” killing some of them (but not Ben). He also beats up Richard Albert a little bit. Sun and Frank still don’t know who to believe, and the rest of us are sitting on our couches, pausing the DVR and asking each other how many times Juliet is going to fall down that fucking hole.

 

(BTDubs – For purposes of this column, let’s call the two dimensions “Island Dimension” and “Plane Dimension.”)

 

Here’s what we learn:

 

1. My brain is full. No more new information, please.

2. The Man in Black is also the smoke monster. That explains a lot!

3. In the guitar case that Jacob gave Hurley was a wooden symbol containing a note from Jacob. Is this Jacob’s “list” again?

4. We were thrown for a loop a couple of times with Plane Dimension (Is Hurley’s luck different? Don’t think so. He was being sarcastic. Can Locke really walk? No. He was lying to Boone. Is Shannon missing? No. She’s “in the bathroom” – i.e. Maybe ABC couldn’t negotiate a contract with Maggie Grace.) And yet, there are weird things going on in this alternate reality. Jack’s bleeding, for example. And the stewardess hands him one bottle of vodka. In the pilot episode, it was two bottles.

5. If Sawyer yells loud enough, Miles will talk to dead people.

6. The Man in Black wants to “go home.”

7. Evidently, there’s at least one ladies room at LAX that isn’t crowded with overweight people and loud kids. Which terminal is that in?

8. In Plane Dimension, Desmond is on Flight 815. This is, in fact, a possibility. Because in this reality, the island is underwater, so Des’s boat would have never wrecked there and he could, in fact, have gotten on a plane in Australia in 2004. (Still, it’s quite a coincidence.) And Juliet could still be alive in this dimension, since there was no longer an island for her to go to. So she’s probably living somewhere in the real world.

9. Locke never knew as much as we thought. In the end, he didn’t understand much.

10. It worked! Well, kind of. But, perhaps more importantly, Juliet knew that it worked. How did she know that? And will Sawyer figure out what she meant?

11. Boone, you still look great.

12. For me, two big questions were addressed in this episode. ONE: What happened to the kids and the rest of the people on the plane (like the stewardess)? Evidently, they’re happy in the temple, which, by the way, may be some sort of Fountain of Youth.

13. The other question has to do with the reanimation of corpses, and in particular, the lack of Christian Shepard’s corpse when Jack opens his father’s coffin on the island (early in the series) to find nothing. At the time, he cries. I had thought that maybe he cried because he knew all along that the body never got on the plane (remember they gave him a hard time about it at the airport in Australia way back when?), and he just felt guilty about it. But now, we know he was crying because he thought that the reappearing image of his father on the island was a ghost. In other words, to the best of Jack’s knowledge at the time, his father’s body had made it onto the plane, so when the casket was empty, it freaked him out.

14. HOWEVER, now we learn that it didn’t actually make it onto the plane after all, even though Jack thought it did. Stay with me here! I want to figure out the “rules of assuming the appearance of a dead person” on the island. The Man in Black, for example, now looks like John Locke, but John Locke’s body is separate. Did Jacob appear once as Christian Shepard (in his cabin), but Christian’s body is separate? (i.e. It’s somewhere with the airline?) That would follow the same logic. But what about Sayid? There only seems to be one Sayid in Island Dimension. So did Sayid rise from the dead? Or is he maybe the reincarnated Jacob? Or not…because following this logic, we’d need a separate body. So maybe Sayid just lives because he was touched by Jacob? (Our main people were all touched by him…but not Juliet, who dies.)

15. We still don’t know where Claire is in Island Dimension. Is she dead?

16. Kate sees Jack and Sawyer hurt after the bomb, but she goes to Jack first!

17. Bombs are loud.

18. The Man in Black is very disappointed in all of us.

19. I watched Juliet fall down that hole 27 fucking times. And not once did Sawyer say “I love you, too.” MEN!