Chances are you'll host or attend a Super Bowl party on Sunday. And chances also are approximately 97.8-percent of the people in attendance will know absolutely nothing about football.
Not a problem!
Just pass out copies of this handy Super Bowl cheat sheet, and soon all your guests will be talking football as expertly as any ex-jock (who has suffered multiple concussions).


Don't Question: "Why do we care what Tim Tebow thinks about a complex issue like abortion?-

Instead, Announce: "I guess it really is a shame when something dies before it ever even comes to life…like Tebow's career as a pro quarterback!-

Don't Wager: On the outcome of the game. You can't win. Vegas is too good.

Instead, Bet: On the outcome of the coin flip. People will tell you it's random chance, but heads is a lock this year.

Don't Say: "Why is the Who playing the halftime show? Isn't Pete Townsend a registered sex offender?-

Instead, Announce: "God, I hope this means next year's halftime show will just be a series of short films by Roman Polanski.-

Don't Say: "The Colts' pass defense doesn't look very good."

Instead, Jeer:
"A cover-two? What is this, 1997?" Don't worry about what this means. Only three or four people in the country know what a cover-two defense really is, and the chances of one of them being at your party are infinitesimally small.

Don't Ask: "Who is winning?-

Instead, Look:
At the screen and figure it out yourself. It's somewhere on there. No, not that. That's the game clock. And no, over there is little promo thing for a CBS show. And below that are game stats. And above that is just random scribbles on the screen done by an apparently drunk announcer with a telestrator. You know what? Just wait until the end of the game. They'll probably announce the score then.

Don't Say: "I just watch the game for the commercials.-

Instead, Say:
Nothing! Keep your trap shut! You might talk over the commercials!