The Three Little Pigs

“I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow this house in!” bellowed the wolf. “Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!” the first little pig slyly countered. Suddenly, and unsurprisingly, the three houses built by the farm animals collapsed. Buzzards swooped in and consumed the limp bodies of the pigs crushed by the piles of sticks and bricks. The pig in the house of straw escaped unharmed but was chased down and consumed by a ravenous wolf waiting nearby.

Goldilocks and the Three Bears

“This bed is just right!” exclaimed Goldilocks before falling asleep. Three bi-pedal bears walking up the porch steps suddenly fell to all fours. One scratched at the unlocked door before all three lumbered into a nearby forest.

Cindarella

“Oh, thank you, creature friends!” sung Cinderella, “Without you I would never be able to go to the ball tonight!” Blue birds and mice danced about, stitching together a dress they were sure would allow the handsome prince to see past the poor exterior of the girl. Suddenly, the blue birds flew into the closed window, falling unconscious to the floor after hitting the glass. Three hours later the stepmom and two stepsisters walked in to see Cinderella huddled on the floor in scraps of fabric and ribbons, surrounded by a swarm of rats. She was promptly beaten for neglecting her duties.

Bambi

Bambi’s mother shouted for him to flee the wintery meadow. He thought how the harsh, cold field was appropriately reflective of the mood of the scene. As he leapt into the thicket, a shot rang out. The Great Prince of the Forest appeared by his side. Bambi looked up into the deep pools of his father’s eyes as the Prince said, “your mother can't be with you anymore.” Bambi and his father walked away into the forest. Three months later a skunk and a rabbit happened to trundle by the skeleton of a fawn, left to die in the cold without a mother to nurture it. They headed in opposite directions without taking any notice of the bones, naturally.

The Lion King

“Can you feel the love tonight?” Simba sung as he playfully leaped into Nala, throwing her into the base of the waterfall. The moonlight shone down on the pair, reflecting in their eyes as they realized the love they had always had for each other. Nala floated closer to Simba and nuzzled his mane. The cameraman from the Discovery Channel adjusted the focus of his lens as the male lion mounted the female. He turned to his sound guy, “Do you think this footage is too explicit to air on a channel with as young a demographic as ours has?” “No. Among dumb beasts, sex acts do not have the potential to be inappropriate,” John responded, “It’s just a biological impulse, for them.”