*Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate is a series of writings by Dan Bradley for a local magazine. Not your rivalry game Georgia.


First off, I'm not going to lie. This article is mainly to benefit men, as Valentine's Day has corrupted so many girls' minds out there that it makes them force their significant other to enter a world that is basically a materialistic shit-show.

When you were young Valentine's day was a pure, fun, and joyful experience as you made your little paper bags in school and waited for all the "Hey Arnold", "Batman", and "My Pretty Pony" Valentine cards to be placed in your horribly crafted candy container.  Most of the candy sucked too, especially those pieces of colored chalk that were somehow interpreted to be candy, let alone edible, and that I also believe were all made in the year 1910 and have been circulating ever since then with no new batch ever created.  Though, besides those shitty tasting candy hearts, Valentine's Day was a joyful holiday as a youth.  Then comes Jr. High, High School, and College and you become the lonely soul with no Valentine's cards/ lollipops/ shitty heart candy coming your way. OR you're the guy who gets that stuff and gets called a faggot by all your friends. Either or, this is where people start to wise up about the absolute stupidity of this holiday. It's a very important part of your life as you decide which road to go down.  Do you choose the path that leads to unneeded holiday stress, wasted money, stupid gifts, and failed restaurant reservations? Or do you tell Hallmark to suck a fat one, and treat it just as any other day (which very well could be masturbating alone with your computer, but hey, you're beating the machine, man, amiright?!—Hmm, no pun intended after looking back on that last part.)

The point is that this is such a pointless holiday. First off, it's in the most miserable month of the year, February, which is at the butt-ass end of winter when you start to get stir crazy. It's right after Groundhog's Day when we're reminded that we have 6 more weeks of suck to put with thanks to that little fat, hairy, ugly creature…no, not Danny DeVito…, I mean,  I'd be better off buying a nice new coat for my girl, than buying some lame chocolate heart, but that's not romantic (which is another thing for those lost souls who do try to make Valentine's day special, it's really hard to be original. You're constantly reminded about chocolates, flowers, stuffed animals, and jewelry.  Then when you get them, your lady friend is usually unimpressed by your efforts. That cunt. It's really hard to be original on Valentine's Day, as it's usually the same 5 pieces of shit handed over time, after time). So being in the most miserable month right after the BIG holiday season it's just a filler holiday to spend last bits of Christmas money/ bonuses.

Now, you might be saying to yourself "Well it's a day to show those who you love that you love them". No god damn it, NO. It's a day that tries to convince your date/ girlfriend/ fiance/ wife (I'm so sorry for you) that you need to buy them more crap, despite the fact that you're always buying them crap anyways. You could've bought them a diamond bracelet the past month, or taken them out to an exquisite restaurant routinely and they would still be pissed off at you for not buying them something on Valentine's Day.  Even if you reminded them about all the great things you place at their feet, that twat will ask for diamond ring to compliment the bracelet you got (they'll speak in code though, saying they would of at least appreciated something as small as a flower, which is complete bullshit. Bitch wanted that diamond ring don't let her fool you.)

Really though, on Valentine's Day just care for those who you care for just as you would any other day. What makes this day more important to like/love someone more than any other? It just simply doesn't. Ladies, don't put so much pressure on your man for this unecessary holiday.  Just put your V on his P, and tickle his T's because that's all he's celebrating this day for anyways.

 

Or at least a blowjob, because hey, he deserves it.