Feb 8, 2010, Philadelphia, PA- College student, and 2nd semester Freshman, Lauren Williams has reportedly drank "such a fucking ridiculous" amount of alcohol last night at her sorority mixer after a fellow classmate overheard Lauren talking to her friend in the back of their statistics class. The concerned student, being a pre-med major, found it incomprehensible when she discovered how much Lauren allegedly drank.
"She should have been dead. By my calculations she should have had a blood alcohol level of 3.43. How is that physically possible?!" exclaimed Jane, the concerned pre-med student. "I'm going to donate the rest of my college years to try and study this phenomenon."
We then asked her if she was at the party with Lauren, and Jane replied that she was not, and in fact has never been to a party in her life let alone drank alcohol. "It doesn't matter if I was there though! I heard her say she had 28 shots of vodka, 8 shots of tequila, 6 mixed drinks, and played like 35 games of flip-flop [cup]."
Intrigued, we pursued this physiological miracle as she was apparently not only alive, but fully functioning because she attended class the very next morning. We eventually found her en route to a tanning salon, and asked for a quick interview. She obliged, and the interview went as follows.
Reporter: Hi, Lauren. We've heard of recent events that you consumed a cornucopias amount of alcohol last night at a local party.
Lauren: Oh my god!! You have no idea how fucking off the hook that party was, like, wait are you guys cops?
Reporter: No we're just reporters for the local newspaper and
Lauren: No. Freaking. Way. [Screams uncontrollably and unnecessarily] My Sister's are going to be so freaking jealous. I want everything I say to be written down exactly they way I say it! OH MY GOD this is, like, so totally random!
Reporter: Duly noted. Now, how is it that you drank 28 shots of vodka, 8 shots of tequila, 6 mixed drinks, and played "like 35 drinking games", and are still standing here talking to me on this morning?
Lauren: 8 shots of tequila? [produces an earl bleeding laugh] More like 15.
Reporter: Really? You appear to be only around 5'3" and weigh no more than 105 lbs. You should be dead.
Lauren: Yeah fucking right! OH, and I bonged 9 beers in 3 seconds!
Reporter: Lauren, you're not
Lauren: Oh my god! Look over there that kid won't stop staring at me! What a creeper!
Reporter: Who? Him? That appears to be a blind individual. I don't believe he's attempting to look at you, it's just the direction he's facing and..
Lauren: EWW blind? That's so random, and creepy. I don't want blind guys checking me out.
Reporter wanted to note there was a long moment of silence that occured as he stared at her in disbelief
Reporter: OK, as I was saying earlier. Lauren, you're not really answering my questions. You're really just making this more of a mystifying scenario. I simply can't wrap my head around this. You're a walking miracle with an iron-cast stomach, and I commend you. How old are you Lauren?
Lauren: 18, and if you multiply that by 3, thats how long I did a keg stand last night also! WOOO!! ALPHA PHI!! No one can take shots like me! All right Hun, I gotta' go get my tan in for today now! It was SOOO much fun talking to you! Bye!
Reporter: There you have it. Lauren Williams, the orange skinned drinking wonder survived what would surely do any average human being in for good. But there she was, walking away in her Ugg boots, tight black leggings, and North Face jacket to go tanning in the dead of winter in Philadelphia because she was in fact, completely in good condition.
After interviewing Lauren we checked back in with Jane who immediately began research on Lauren's abilities. Jane tried to consume 9 shots of Vladimir Vodka in one hour, and began vomiting everywhere in her dorm. She has since been checked into the hospital and lost her academic scholarship.