I truly love Streeter's Overgrown Man Girlfriend videos. They're amazing. So I decided to write responses to them in order to further illuminate the issues prevailing over every mediocre (or worse) relationship…

1) “Uh I look like a whale!”

We are not making these statements to inform you or to confirm a tacit agreement that we actually look like whales. Honestly, the less you respond to these statements, the more we will make them in an effort to search for confirmation that you think we look pretty.

And, no, we don’t think being in a relationship with us means you automatically think we’re hot all the time. We know we aren’t; we’re reminded of this every time we see you in that t-shirt with too many holes (and no, wearing an undershirt does not help it).

2) “Hanging out with your friends tonight? They hate me!”

This is a comment that, again, will get worse and worse if you refrain from responding. Also, your response will be loaded if you go any farther than, “No they don’t. Don’t be ridiculous.”

Why?

Anything else you say, such as, “They just think you’re really ” will lead into explaining whether you think we’re too <"">.

Once this happens, you realize you’ve launched yourself into a tricky situation. You have to confirm that we do have that strong personality trait but that it’s not too much for you. But once that’s been established, we’ll still be thinking about it.

“Is it too much for most people?” Apparently it is for your friends.

I say go with, “I don’t think so. I think my friends just need to get to know you better.”

3) “I want to go out for dinner (even though we went out yesterday).”

This actually isn’t even that big of a deal. If you want to stay in because we went out last night, we’ll probably think that’s fair enough. In fact, informing us on what you want to do tonight is welcome information. If we really want to go out and all you want to do is order in pizza and play videogames, we’ll call up our friends and go out for cocktails without you.

4) “Make me a Boca Burger (and shove it at him)!"

There’s nothing more amazing than someone willing to make us food. Don’t think this is just a Female Thing or even a Relationship Thing, either. This is an Anyone-Who'll-Do-It! Thing and whatever else you may be are negligible details. But since the circumstances are what they are, I’ll stick with it. You have two solid and viable options here:

a) If you’re not going to make us Boca Burgers, laugh and say no (but don't make the mistake of thinking that's the last time in an hour that you'll have to say 'no' to us).

b) If you are willing, demand that we ask you nicely… At which point we’ll get the idea & proceed to offer sexual favors later on if we can get you to make the burgers now (this may also happen in option (a) as well).

We really don’t want to make those fucking Boca Burgers.

5) “Spoon me tonight. I always spoon you.”

This is tough. This is actually a faux-pas no matter what because it’s a lose-lose situation. Ladies, while you are doing a good job communicating what you want, if he does spoon you it’ll seem like it’s only because you told him to; if he doesn’t spoon you when you ask, you don’t get spooned. In this case, actions speak louder than words. Just stop spooning him and sleep against him or something.

6) “If you’re going to invite me to these things don’t ignore me all night.”

Guys, there’s no good way to behave around us when you’re introducing us to all your guy friends at once, so don’t do it – it’s a total rookie move. If you pay attention to us every once in a while in between the group conversation, sure, we’ll feel like you’re being attentive, but we still feel like lepers because no one else is even giving us eye contact. The other possibility is just completely ignoring us, essentially throwing us into bro-waters without the list-of-inside-jokes lifejacket.

Note: This doesn’t change for girlfriends introducing their boyfriends, either.

7) “No! Show me how to do it or I’ll never learn (on videogames, computers or any kind of electronic device, really)!"

THIS is annoying. Beyond a doubt one of the most identifiably fucked up ways guys behave. What do you have against us? Can you not teach us how to proverbially catch fish on the Wii (although I feel that could be a real game as well)?! I know you’ve been playing videogames since you were in the womb, but we need a leg up and instead you move your hands around the electronic thinger and voila! Something happened that we're… pretty sure was good because the it's congratulating us and telling us that we're moving up a level… But notice we're still disoriented, irritated and in need of even more help.

Also, do you remember when we played with you for ~45 minutes before we discovered the button on the bottom of the controller and you had been all, "Girls suck at videogames!" the whole time? Yeah, fuck you.

8) “Don’t talk Jewish in front of me, it’s gross.”

I got nothing.

9) “Listen I just want you to say that you’re sorry and you think I’m funny.

‘I’m sorry. You’re funny.’

If you’re not going to mean it, then don’t say it.”

This is a derivation of, “It’s not what you said it’s how you said it.” But really, honestly, it’s, “If I’m forcing you to lie, you’ve got to make it sound like a real one” – we’ll take care of the rest in our heads. If you don’t want to lie, well, you're probably an asshole.

10) “Let’s stay in bed forever.

‘I have to work.’

I have to work. C’mon just stay in bed a little longer.”

You may think we’re being clingy, but there are actually several incredibly practical reasons we want you to stay in bed. 1) It means we have to get up, too. 2) Your warm body makes up for the majority of the heat in the bed (and we don't think it's fair either). 3) When you move to get up you release the heat out from under the covers… and that really ticks us off. 4) Your movements getting ready for work keep us up if we decide we’re going to sleep in anyway. 5) God you suck two more minutes and we would have been psychologically ready to get up.

11) “Your mom hates me.”

See #8. I don’t blame her.

12) “Do you want a blow job? Fine, I didn’t want to give you one anyway.”

Wow. This is so awkward. Uhh… I guess, ladies, if we want to throw out an invite at the wrong time/wrong place, at least let's make it a self-serving one to soften the blow if we get rejected.

13) “Get me chapstick and a glass of water.”

Spare yourselves the journey and come off as willing to commit by offering to put those things, plus maybe tissues, cough lozenges, (stale) candy, and a medley of medications into your bed stand drawer for us. Also, invest in water bottles because those can be full for like 3 days before we realize the water tastes ‘stale.’