[A tow-truck driver chains up a Cutlass Supreme belonging to an 87-year-old woman, who sobs as she explains that she was just inside Walgreens filling a prescription to treat her rhumatoid arthritis.]
Tow-Truck Driver: Ma'am, I'm sorry, but your handicapped sticker is completely covered up by that 'Breast Cancer Survivor' magnet. You'll have to take it up with the office in the morning.
[Woman wanders aimlessly into cold night.]
Satan: poof HOW IS YOUR SHIFT GOING?
Tow-Truck Driver: You know what, Dad? I have the greatest job in the world!
Satan: I KNOW, SON. I MISS IT EVERY DAY. NOW TELL ME, HOW MANY LIVES HAVE YOU RUINED TONIGHT?
Tow-Truck Driver: 27 so far, father. But it is not yet daybreak, and I am feeling quite ruthless.
Satan: GOOD. YOU TRULY ARE MY MOST HEINOUS PROGENY. WHO IS YOUR NEXT INNOCENT?
Tow-Truck Driver: His name is Chase Mitchell. He went out with friends tonight to celebrate his decision to adopt a puppy
Satan: I HATE PUPPIES! WHAT WILL YOU DO?
Tow-Truck Driver: Well, he parked in a perfectly legal space, of course
Satan: OF COURSE.
Tow-Truck Driver: So I will move his car a few inches to the right, making it appear that he left his back tire ever-so-slightly over the line. Then I will take a picture for evidence.
Satan: THAT IS GENIUS. WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
Tow-Truck Driver: Tomorrow, he will come to the lot to retrieve his vehicle from the desk clerk, an empty husk of a woman hand-plucked from the deepest bowels of Hell, whose soul has been deadened by eons of the most hideous tortures imaginable.
Satan: AND THEN!?
Tow-Truck Driver: Chase will spend the entire walk there daydreaming about how he will “tell her off,” but will find himself confused, unsatisfied and “kind of creeped out” when even his foulest insults are met with unblinking apathy.
Satan: EXQUISITE. I WILL LEAVE YOU TO YOUR HORRIBLE BUSINESS.
Tow-Truck Driver: Thank you, father. I wish only to make you proud.
Satan: AND SO YOU HAVE.
[The tow-truck driver raises his forefinger, which becomes grotesquely distended until it is roughly the shape of an ignition key.]
Tow-Truck Driver: MUAAAAAAAAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Satan: BUT SON, WHAT IF YOU ARE CAUGHT IN THE ACT FOR THIS TRICKERY?
Tow-Truck Driver: I wouldn’t worry about that, Dark Lord. The victim has been distracted all night by a scantily-clad temptress, who in the light of day will reveal herself to be an insidious hose beast.
Satan: EXCELLENT. BUT DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR SISTER THAT WAY.