Setting: The messy apartment of a twenty-something-year-old



-          God

-          Jesus


(JESUS is in his room. We hear, but never see, GOD.)


GOD: Jesus.


JESUS: Oh great, what does he want now?


GOD: Jesus.


JESUS: Yes, Dad?


GOD: Jesus.


JESUS: Dad, I can hear you.


GOD: I don’t care. Jesus.


JESUS: Dad, shut up.




GOD: Jesus.


JESUS: Oh, for the love of Christ-


GOD: You are Christ.


JESUS: Thank you for reminding me.


GOD: What, you don’t like being my son?


JESUS: Not if you have a Dad who constantly bugs you saying (Immitates his father) “Jesus.”


GOD: Oh, be quiet. You can’t even immitate my voice the right way. It’s “Jesus,” not (mocking his son) “Jesus.” Anyway, you wanted me to call, so I don’t see why you should complain.


JESUS: Fine. I called you because I want to call off the whole deal.


GOD: What deal?


JESUS: You know, the one where I’m your son and people stare at me as I walk down the street because rays of light shine from my head and then I cause heavy traffic and accidents because everyone’s staring at me. I love the halo, Dad, but when thirty people die the moment I step off the sidewalk, it loses its charm.


GOD: What’s so bad about that?


JESUS: It’s annoying! I want to live a normal life.


GOD: But Jesus, you’re my son. Tons of people would kill for that.


JESUS: Tons of people have killed because of me. There have been centuries of slaughter because of me. People don’t have sex because of me. Dad, I’m fine with the slaughter, but I hate to be the reason that someone doesn’t have sex.


GOD: They don’t have sex because they want to be like you.




GOD: Jesus?




GOD: Are you a virgin?


JESUS: Dad, how could you ask such a question?


GOD: It’s good to know if my son’s celebit or not.


JESUS: Dad, you’re God. You should know.


GOD: Oh, right. Um, well.


JESUS: Dad, were you playing cards with Satan again?


GOD: No. Well, maybe once or twice.


JESUS: Dad, you’re supposed to be looking after the world, not gambling.


GOD: But it’s fun to play cards, and I always win.

JESUS: Because Satan knows that if you lose to him, he dies.


GOD: That’s beside the point. Are you a virgin or not?


JESUS: Oh, Jeez.


GOD: Stop referring to yourself.


JESUS: Fine. Oh, shit.


GOD: Jesus.


JESUS: Well, it’s not as though you don’t swear, too.


GOD: Shut up. Are you a virgin or not?


JESUS: Great. Um, Dad, you know how Mom’s been awkward around us when you both come over for dinner?


GOD: Yes, why?


JESUS: Well, I mean, great, Dad’s she’s young and pretty, and one thing led to another, and we fucked.


GOD: You had sex with your mother?


JESUS: She grabbed my ass first.


GOD: That’s not fair.


JESUS: You think she should have grabbed my crotch?


GOD: No. It’s just that I wanted to have sex with her first, but now you’ve done it. Besides, she won’t sleep with me because I’m too old, and, and, and it’s just not fair.


JESUS: It’s not fair that I’m your son.


GOD: It’s not fair that my son fucked his mother before his father had a chance to.


JESUS: Well, in case you haven’t noticed, since I had sex, conversion rates have sky-rocketted.


GOD: Really?


JESUS: Yes. Now, please leave me alone.


GOD: No, I won’t.


JESUS: Yes, you will.


GOD: No, I won’t.


JESUS: Yes, you will.


GOD: No, I won’t.


JESUS: Yes, you will.


GOD: No, I won’t.


(They continue to bicker. Gradual blackout.)